Monday, April 11, 2011
In honor of Autism awareness month; "To my sweet friend"...an outsiders perspective.
With the rates of autism statistics being tragically high, I am going to assume that there are a many of you out there know someone either closely or a bit from a distance that have a child with autism. This is a far reaching issue. I know several families that have children on the spectrum, but I am most closely to connected to Lindsay and her scrumptious little loves. I might be the only one out here, but I have to assume that it is sometimes a strange place to be...let me explain...I am close, but not immersed...I try to understand, but I'm sure I ever fully can. I am putting the following words down, hoping that they will speak for many of you who like me, are "on the outside looking in"...
To my sweet friend,
You are a woman that inspires me. I have seen the hurt in your eyes, your struggle to make it through even more more day and the strength that you find to do it!
I remember the beginning of this journey for you, before I even had any clue what this word "autism" meant. I had no idea, as I continued on in my new roll as a parent, what you were going through. I had no idea the depth of despair that consumed you...I feel guilty for this; often. If I could go back, I would try to better understand it all, I would have been there for you even more!
There are many things that I will never fully understand in your struggle (no lists here, trying not to cry) but needless to say, Ill be here for you every step of the way, trying. I am so thrilled that you have a group of women who you love that can relate, inspire, teach and love on each other, because my support can not reach the depths that theirs can. I am sorry for the times when I thought that I had found "the breakthrough" and come to you excited. That was before I realized that there are 1000 "cures" out there, and you are bombarded and sick of them. I am sorry for the times my words have been all wrong, the times my focus was not fully on your struggles. I have learned that you are incredibly smart, greatly connected, and you know your boys in ways no one else ever will! I am proud!
I struggle with guilt. Guilt that my children are both "typical" . It's hard for me to celebrate their milestones, even though you say these things don't bother you; and I don't like to come to you to complain, even though you are always there! ( Did you just say "could have fooled me"???)
I am sorry for any advice I have tried to give. I am sorry for ever thinking I knew anything for that matter.
I watch you in your world of crazy, and marvel at how you do it. I watch you take time to guide and teach your boys, ( I wont mention the times that I have seen crazy mommy!) I see you make a million special meals, go to intense doctor appointments and make sure they have all the special things in their worlds to make them run smoother. You are their strongest advocate, and I want to cheer when you go to bat for them!!! But I will never be able to fully see your heart. I will never know the times you have cried yourself to sleep, or punched a wall. I can't feel your anger, your confusion or your pain. And for this, I am sorry, and I hope my love and friendship is enough.
Thank you for being patient with me in my ignorance, and teaching me in the process. Thank you for trusting me with your world. Thank you for letting me love your boys. Thank you for helping to teach me and my children acceptance, understanding and compassion on every level.
My words can't fully express my heart, but I just want you to know just how much you bless my life.
I would like to just share a few things I am learning for the women out there who have friends who have kids with special needs...not because I know it all; I have a ton to learn!!!
Your kids are "typical" not normal. Saying a child without special needs is normal is insinuating that those with special needs are not (normal).
Support her in finding a group of women (or help her start one) that can understand her. We just can't and she needs more than just a listening ear sometimes. That being said; it's always good to be that listening ear!!!
If it does not work to go to movies, play dates, parades, etc...for her children, don't try to make her do these things. And if she needs to cancel because "he" is having a bad day, never be mad or try to talk her into going anyway!
It's ok if someone in public is making comments or looking rudely at her child who may be having a meltdown, it is ok to punch them. Ok so maybe not the best advice, but you can go to bat for her if needed ;).
Do not give her advice! Do not tell other people you meet that they should call her and tell her what they know. If you think that you have come across something that you think could help, choose your words carefully and let her decide if she wants to pursue it.
Do not ever judge! Our glimpses into her world do not give a full picture of what she experiences minute to minute.
If you are a real friend, don't leave her, even if you don't know what to do, or it feels confusing. Be the person to stick by no matter what!
Please, please, please...let her child teach your kids understanding! We need our typical children to be advocates for those who may need someone to stand up for them someday. If we are not teaching our children compassion, we are failing. We are all equal in Gods eyes and the world needs to see us that way too!
Don't Forget to {Go Blue} for autism awareness month.. Check out these amazing mother warriors and do your part to spread awareness about autism this month!
Please feel free to share this, and I would love to hear your perspective if you are a "friend" like me...or share a story about a great friend who has stuck by you if you are a mom of a special needs child.
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