I am a divorcé.   Oh the horror, gasp, no way, OMG!  There was a time in my early years of being married that I was very judgmental toward people that did not "honor their commitment to marriage!" Wow how those kind of stupid "holier than thou" thoughts have come back to bite me in the butt!!!

     I was married for almost 7 years when a week before our 8th anniversary, my husband moved out.  Now I'm sure that you all are just dying to hear that story, (right) but suffice it say that it happened very suddenly and I not only lost my husband, but my best friend (you get my drift???).  To say that it was horribly devastating, heartbreaking and traumatic, is at best, and understatement.  I remember the moment that I learned why they call it a "broken heart", and why someone could drive off of a cliff because of it.  This was the person that I had committed my life to, the man I thought I would grow old with, the man I built my life around!  Thank God I was lucky enough to have the support of my loving family, my friends, my God and it was because of their love that I made it through this horrible process.

     What I want to talk about though, is what I learned from it all...not everything, because that would take days!!!  I have had the chance to talk to loads of women who have gone through the same thing;  The heartbreak is about the same but the major difference is how we come out of it in the end.  I'm super competitive and I think at the end of it all, this



So I have to admit to something. I fully realize that I just stopped mid sentence but I was trying to write this in the middle of my day with the kids running around all crazy like. I have now had dinner, a margarita and the kids are taking a bubble bath. Not alone people! Sheesh I'm not totally inept as a parent.   Anyway, the advice could get really good now, after a margi, even though I may regret what I'm saying in the morning.. Now back to that amazing advice I was about to give you....



     See, what I learned is that I can sit around for days, months or even years and feel sorry for myself.  I   could wallow in self pity, sulk and bore everyone with the details for years on how "my x this, and my x that".  Wouldn't that be productive! I'm sorry, but to be totally honest, I talked to so many women who gave their exes that kind of power over them for years, lots of years, and I was determined to NOT be one of them. Seriously, I had every right to be bitter and angry but then who still has the power over me?  He would have!   Call me crazy, but that was the last thing I wanted to give him was more power!!!  Let me be totally clear,



     I started hanging out with my sweet husband much before I ever even thought it was a good idea. He was just a friend, really people!  Let me just be clear...this is not part of my "advice"...I'm not suggesting to anyone in this situation that you date right away and marry the first guy that comes along without years of healing; but for me it was right.  (one other thing I have stopped being judgmental about!) For sure there were times when my past snuck in like a punch in the face, but again I had to remind myself..."do I give my x that kind of power over me??".  For me the answer was always  NO. I had a very hard time trusting, but my husband is NOT my x!  Life is scary and unpredictable. "it" could happen to me again, but do I live in fear?  Do I let my past dictate my future? Heeeellll noooooooooooo!  I look at my husband and praise God for letting him be the man I get to share my life with.  I look at my kids, amazing, beautiful little faces and weap at the thought that they would not be ours if I would have been too scared to move on!  We just celebrated 8 years of marriage and I love him more than I did when I married him!

     We all have the crap from our past that scares us into paralysis...whether it's abuse from a parent, someone abandoning you, death, or like me divorce, and I certainly don't want to insult anyone or in anyway oversimplify any of these traumas, but at the end of the day, it's up to you. Are you going to give that asshole person from your past control over how you choose your future?  Or are you going to be brave, take a leap of faith and jump? That doesn't mean be unwise, but it does mean to do your best to trust and move on. Could you get hurt again? Yup! Should that keep you from being brave and trying? Nope! You survived lady!!!! now get off the couch and go live!  Let your past give you streingth because you are wiser, and more resilient.  Life is waiting, be brave and live!  (or I will come to your house and give you a good dose of Gena drill sergeant!...too much?  Must be the margi speaking!)







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 I wish I could end with the title... (hey don't agree with me here!!!)  but I must explain...



My daughter loves to draw.  She loves to paint, to trace, to color and anything that can be turned into artwork will be.  She is 5.  We all know that a five year old has limits in this area and that her artwork would probably not be admired by strangers, but it is admired by me.  When she makes a drawing, I have two choices...

One, I could say "oh honey, that's a good try, but that looks nothing like a dinosaur, and the colors are really not quite correct, and why would you put hearts in the sky??  There are not hearts in the sky ever.

Or option 2 would go something more like this...Oh honey, that is beautiful!  That looks like the happiest dinosaur in the world, and he is so lucky to be pink and purple!!  And he is so full of love, that he puts hearts in the sky!!!  I LOVE IT!!!!

Now, the first would be a better description of what is really going on, but what would that do to her desire to create if I said those words???



Let me give you another example...

My two year old boy LOVES to sing and "play the guitar".  He does a great job, but it goes without saying that he is not always in tune, and his guitar playing resembles that of a donkey stuck in a barbed wire fence. (not that I have heard that personally, but I can't imagine it would sound very good..) Once again, I have two options...

I could say, Baby, you don't sound quite like the people singing the song,  they said "mama called the doctor and the doctor said...NOT mama doll the dada nadad dad daid....and when you play the guitar, it hurts my ears.

OR I could say, Baby, mama looooooves it when you sing (and break into a crazy dance) it blesses my heart!  You sound like an angel!  And your guitar sounds just like daddies!  Good job pumpkin!!!

Once again, the first would be more true...



But what would it do to my kids spirits if I pointed out every fault, or everything they could do better???  It would deflate them.  They would give up!  My sweet girl would stop drawing, and my baby boy would stop singing!!! (oh that breaks my heart!)

We have soooo much control of how inspired or broken our kids become!!!!



Here is another way to put it...

If I talk over and over about how "shy" my child is, she will be shy!

If I tell my boy all day long what a "bad boy" he is, he will be bad!

And seriously, If I ever hear any parent call their child "stupid" I will go ape all over them!!!

Oh and just a side note...you that are married, If you tell your husband what a lazy, selfish, unloving  jerk he is, guess what he will be???(just saying!!!)

If we say you're NOT good at math, or soccer, or driving, or talking....guess what they will NOT be good at???



In contrast to that..

If I tell my daughter that she is the best big sissy in the world, she hugs her brother when he cries, helps him when he falls down, and "teaches" him how to read! (this often happens in my house!)

When my son hears over and over that it is important to be gentle to girls and be respectful to them...imagine the type of man he will be.

If we say your an amazing singer, a beautiful dancer, such a great communicator, and I love how you are respectful to everyone you are around...they will rise to the standards that we set for them! 



I think it goes without saying that we want our kids to be successful adults (and I'm not talking money here) so treat them like successful children.  Does criticism or brutal honesty motivate any of us?  I think not.  I want to use my words and attitude to build up my children!!!



So here is a little challenge for all of us today.  Lets be mindful of every word that we say to our kids today...I am committed to only use my words to encourage, lift them up and bring joy!



Glad you're here today, and hoping you will "share" us with your friends!!!

 Just to forewarn you…I am not feelingparticularly creative or funny, just moved!!