Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
16 Things A Mom Should {NEVER} Do...
I think I've shared before... or maybe my mom (the E.M.G-Ma) has... but growing up my mom's mantra was "Do as I say, not as I do..." and it's still the running joke in our family. If you've read this blog at all, you know that I, Lindsay, am never the one to really write about advice or how to's ... mostly because my life is a series of "woops probably shouldn't try that again's".
So today's post is written mostly by some of you... last night on facebook I asked readers to finish this statement: A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER... and this is what YOU came up with...
{1} From Gena M... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Refer to a tampon as a "push pop"...as it might cause confusion...and your child *might* dig one out of your purse and ask you to open her"ice cream" (not that I would know from experience or anything...) ;)
{2} From Shaneen... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Leave her breast pump where her 3 year old son might find it and try to use it....and have a rage when his " boobs just won't work"...
{3} From Krystal... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Smell things.... like if you find something brown in the car seat or in pants - accept that it's probably poo and resist the urge to smell hoping it's chocolate....it never is! Like when we find wet spots, why we sniff is beyond me - just wash it.
{4} From Lacie & Kriste ... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ "SAY NEVER"... because you never know what kind of kiddo you'll end up parenting :) AND the moment you do, it always comes around to bite ya in the tush! ;)
[Editor's Note: True Dat... yeah I said it]
{5} From ME...~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Ignore silence... it's never worth it, EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{6} From Tricia.... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ make their child eat liver!
[Editor's Note: I would like to add green peas and benadryl... all things my son pukes on site from... literally...]
{7} From Ceisha... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Wear White.... really that needs no explanation:)
{8} From Mindy... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ assume that there isnt spit in her lipgloss tube...(i know...disgusting.) my daugter sneaks my tubes and somehow spit ends up them.. gag.
{9} From Jill... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ have long acrylic nails and change a poopy diaper...
[Editor's Note: Did anyone else just throw up a little??]
{10} From April... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Mix red wine and chocolate martinis the night before Easter... and then get so sick she can't be the Easter Bunny...
{11} From Me Again... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Leave the car door open near a hose... because little boys see that as an open invitation to "wash" the inside of your car... we're talking hose full blast in the back seat "wash"...
{12} From Emilie... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Shop for swimwear sober...
{13} From Cindy... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Accidentally take too much Tri Mag (a natural laxative) ...the night before assisting at a school field trip...
{14} From Kim... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ assume that a child would "not" crawl in bed with mom and dad during "close" time, without being noticed!
{15} From Anonymous (obviously)... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Forget to lock the door while taking care of some "personal grooming".... [Editor's Note: this is not the original phrasing... I wrote the more socially acceptable version... the original knocked me out of my chair in hysterics... I didn't want anyone to get hurt.]
{16} From Christina... ~A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER~ Think you have more time to be with them, Time is to precious. Enjoy every moment....They grow up too fast...
I thought I should end with a nice one:) hehe... I hope this made you laugh today... I love hearing from so many amazing moms everyday!! Thanks for sharing and making the rest of us smile!!! Have a happy Wednesday!
PS If you have one you'd like to add please feel free to leave it in the comment section!!
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Thursday, November 4, 2010
Do as I say, Not as I did...
I acquired a pregnant Mediterranean Burro recently. The only information that came with her was: ” I have no idea when she’s due…” I was so excited to be bringing her home I couldn’t sleep. Seriously, I could not sleep. I was in the process of building a chicken house and Mama donkey, as we resorted to calling her, upset the whole process. I was sure she was going to pop any minute and I vowed to not leave her side. I actually got my friend to “sit” with her when I attended a baby shower. By day 3 I was ‘over it.’ I wanted my life back. I whined, I complained. It made me remember back, way way back, to my own pregnancies. I remember looking at the “sell by” dates on milk and smoked turkey thinking: “By the time this is rotten, my baby will be here!” Okay so it isn’t a flowery analogy, I’m a little off the beaten path so to speak, but you get my drift.
Life as we knew it tries to resume a level of normalcy but a lot of the time our ducks refuse to line up. I’ve heard plenty of pregnant women recite: “Oh this baby is not going to change our lifestyle!”
I’ve learned to bite my tongue until it bleeds while silently thinking, “Let me know how that works for you.” It’s interesting to read the Facebook status of new moms. First the build up to birth, then the announcement of the birth, and sorry but I like the pun; the AFTER birth. With this last part comes the complaining about everything from exhaustion to the non invested husband/daddy.
I think sometimes we lose sight of the big picture. It’s like focussing on the wedding and the honeymoon and forgetting that we vowed a lifetime in this relationship. When we bring these little people into the world we are committing to raising responsible adults who will one day be an integral part of his or her community. Rather than fitting them in to our lives we have to reinvent ourselves to create our family environment. I hear statements referring to life before kids as “Back when I had a life.” It kind of breaks my heart.
I read a great book years ago called Calm My Anxious Heart- a woman’s guide to finding contentment (by Linda Dillow). It quoted from the diary of a woman who had been a missionary in Africa for many years. She listed 5 points as her prescription for contentment. It is my hope to live long enough to achieve just the first point: ”Never allow yourself to complain about anything—not even the weather.” This from a woman living in primitive conditions in scorching heat. Some days she would have to bring the thermometer inside because it couldn’t register past 120 degrees without breaking.
This dirty messy place where we reach the end of our ropes is life. The secret to surviving is to stop trying to live the old life and embrace the snot, poop, puke, endless tears, heart break, disappointment, rage, sticky hugs, slobbery kisses, bed time stories, building forts, and lets not forget that very first unprovoked “Mommy I very love you.” For just one day I challenge you as I challenge myself: Complain about nothing… not even your husband :o)
P.S. I don’t have anything fancy like a bracelet to give away like Jamie did last week, but because I am often lovingly referred to as the coffee Nazi, I will send a pound of Good Bean Coffee (AKA HEAVEN!!) to one lucky Earth Monkeys Facebook Friend... remember you have to comment (on facebook) to win!!
Facebook Login Labels: complaining, contentment, guest contributor, marriage, motherhood, pregnancy, sex
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Kids…Life Before…And After… Wait - Is there really life after??
GENA…I don’t even know where to start…I think that writing about what hasn’t changed since children would be a lot easier and a much shorter list!
I’m not fancy anymore…I used to work in a nice salon as a successful hairdresser and although I do work one day in a fabulous little salon, I have lost the glamour that that lifestyle brings. I am lucky at this point if I get some mascara on and my hair out of those stupid claw clips by the time my husband gets home at 6! I remember teaching “moms” how to quickly do their hair and even pleading with them to use bobby pins instead of claw clips. Now I am that mom, the one that I thought was so ridiculous that she could not even take 10 minutes to do her hair! I can’t believe it!
So this my glamourous self and my husband before kids…ya right, I wish, its Carmen Electra, with my husband…Thought I would try! (aren’t you glad you don’t have to live up to that!)
I remember 8:00 being such a great time…I would either be getting ready to go out (k so it wasn’t too exciting, just a movie or something) or even getting ready to go to the gym…Now, at 3:00 I start a countdown to 8:00…Yes, bedtime!!! Not for me, that’s when my work begins, but for my two precious energy suckers! I am so tired by bedtime now that the thought of getting ready to “go out’ makes me want to curl up in a corner and suck my thumb!!
I can think of a few reasons in the past why I would use the word “no”. Maybe if I was asked to rob a bank, climb Mt. Everest, or run a school bus off the road…Now I seriously think it is the most used word in my vocabulary! No more snacks, no hitting, no screaming, no running, no splashing, no climbing, no jumping, no more pillows on the ground, no picking my flowers, no markers, no pulling hair, no kicking the dog, no drinking mommies coffee, no going outside, no going inside…Oh sorry, I was just having flash backs of the last 10 minutes; you get the point. Seriously its such a habit at this point, that my husband is afraid to ask for…Well you get that point too.
I frequently wonder if food is really ever warm?? I vaguely remember a time when I would sit down at the table and slowly savor small bites of food of various temperatures…Was that just a dream? I can hardly fathom the concept of sitting through an entire meal, let alone enjoying the taste of warm food! It must exist, it must, it must it must!!!
Sorry, I had to slap myself, I’m back…
So the last thing that I remember is…Stay with me now, this is going to get deep, no ugly, no gross…mm,mm,mm (I just cleared my throat) Taking as much time as I want to…Ummm…Poop. Ok so I said it, but don’t pretend like you never think the same thing! I am so jealous of my husband as he hangs out, makes phone calls, checks emails, and chills all on the comfort of our lovely toilet. My trips to the bathroom include 2 escorts talking details about what I am doing and even reaching into the toilet… I think really??? What is going on here people!!! I’ve come to the conclusion that God actually made women’s bodies poop faster for the simple reason that we do not have time, or even the energy for that matter!
LINZ…Although my oldest is only 5, I barely remember life before kids. Here’s what I do vaguely remember though….
BOOBS!!!!! Although I don’t really need to say more if you have breast fed for even a second…let me just say the reward for nursing a child for months … and feeling like a freaking dairy cow 24/7 …. should not be smaller, flatter, stretch-marked boobs…seriously, am I wrong? However I do have to say Victoria Secrets has come to my rescue with the “bombshell” bra… although I usually shop clearance at Target for my bras and undies… dropping $50 on the VS bra was like buying a boob job in a bag and I couldn’t be happier:)
WORK-OUTS… I can remember the day when I would just go work out at the gym whenever I wanted… I was 20 pounds lighter and I actually thought the gym was a required part of my existence…now you would either laugh or cringe watching my workouts… although I LOVE our boot camps (ummm that’s just a fancy way of saying all of my best friends meet at my house to work out in my backyard:) there is rarely a day that goes by when one of our kids doesn’t cry through the entire work-out. We do crunches while our toddlers straddle us and use us as trampolines and somebody’s kid is always trying to get a pony ride while we do push-ups… it’s a friggen circus and anything but glamourous.
SLEEP… I remember complaining if I had to get up before 11 on a weekend… ugghh I was so annoying!!! And let me just say, if you don’t have kids and make any sort of ridiculous statement like the one I used to make… you’d better not be within slapping distance of me!! I was so stoked this morning that only one of the boys got up last night and they all slep until 5:45…that NEVERhappens… two days ago Crew, our youngest, came in at 4 am and body slammed my head until I couldn’t take it anymore and got up with him. And the dark circles and bags under my eyes are now permanent fixtures on my 30 year old face…someday though… I know I will be able to sleep again … and then I will have no excuse for being the wicked witch of the west.
ROMANCE… ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Let’s just say romance these days equals a quickie at noon while the kids are napping…hmmm TMI???
LOVE… Even with the saggy boobs, no sleep, extra 20 pounds and general lack of adventure, glamor and romance…LOVE makes it all worth it!! It’s amazing to me how much LOVE I have for these grubby little monkeys. It’s amazing that no matter how crazy they make us…how much heart break we experience on their behalf…how hard they make life…there is an unending well of unconditional love for them. It’s depth is unexplainable to anyone that doesn’t have children and honestly it wasn’t until I had kids that I realized that the love, grace and forgiveness I have for my boys is only a fraction of what God has for me. My boys complete me and as we were wrestling on the floor last night while my hubby was cooking dinner I thanked God for such a hugely blessed life!
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