In my youth I couldn't have imagined the twists and turns, lumps, bumps, and seeds I would encounter through the years. In fact, I'm sure I never gave any thought to what I might be confronted with along my way. Its probably a good thing too, because if I had known some of the experiences I would walk through, I would have said, "No, thank you". But the older I get, the more I realize those experiences I would have refused are the very ones which produced the most growth, and ultimately the most beauty in my life.



     One unexpected experience was the birth of my son, Noah, who has Down Syndrome. Up to the time of Noah's birth, I had no experience or familiarity with Trisomy 21. This was a good thing for me, because I had no expectations or knowledge of worrisome details. I began to learn about Down Syndrome as I fell in love with my beautiful baby boy. I took things in stride without any anxiety about what might or might not happen in his life.....it didn't occur to me that I should have any concerns about what life might look like for him, me, or his siblings. We all accepted Noah just as he presented himself to us... and we continue to do so today. This was all good.



     However, as Noah began to get a little older, the reality of challenges presented by his disability became more apparent. Learning has been difficult for a variety of reasons. Good educational programs have been few and far between... this has been a true heartache for me. Self-care is an ongoing challenge, even though Noah has some skills in this area. And now, at 19 years of age, Noah is out of school and participating in a transition program... but its very unclear what we are transitioning to, or how well prepared he will be for life beyond school. This brief menu of issues are all things to which I would have said, "No, thank you".



        No parent would choose to have a child with a disability. And noone would fault a parent for admitting that they are struggling, and often wishing their child didn't have such challenges.... life is tough enough when all is well, even tougher to face when little things require supreme effort. But I have found my life to be enriched because of the efforts involved in raising Noah. I work in the field of Early Childhood Special Education because of Noah... I am able to positively impact parents of children with special needs because of Noah.... my other 7 children are compassionate and sensitive to others with challenges because of Noah... I have a great catalog of funny stories because of Noah.... I get a kick out of really quirky stuff because of Noah..... I am a better person because of Noah.



      I believe some of my most powerful growth has come as a result of raising Noah. And I am certain I would have said "No, thank you", if the challenges had been laid out before me. In fact, I know myself well enough to say I would not ever choose the more difficult path if given the choice. I am happy to report I have learned the value of struggle, hardship, and disappointment. I might not always smile the whole way, but I have learned to appreciate how the tough stuff paves the way for joy, growth, and beauty.



     Struggle can serve to bring out the best in us.... enlarge our hearts.... strengthen our spirits.... embolden our self-confidence. So when faced with something hard and you want to say, "No, thank you", just remember you might be getting an opportunity of a lifetime that you don't want to miss. Then smile to yourself.

Mindy from Pretty in Paint made this little doozie!

I saw this idea of a blessings board on another blog somewhere and I knew I had to do it. Usually sweet flowery things make me want to throw up a little in my mouth, but this little crafty poo is a sweet kick in the teeth.  So... I am writing a blessing on  post-its and sticking them to a board in my room ... so every time I want to have a pity party or complain... wham... it can kick me in the teeth and say, "Hey selfish, annoying, whiny lady... look at all of the amazing things you have in your life." Today I posted 7 to the board and here they are:

1. {Sibling Rivalry...} I guess I'll I just need to repeat costco, costco, costco... over and over in my head  so I'm not tempted to pull a Thelma & Louise during what seems to be NEVER-ENDING-FIGHTING! (costco)


2. {School Clothes...} My amazing big sister took all three boys shopping today and got them shoes and pants and shirts and socks... who does that?? My big sister!! That's who!:) I love you Abbers!


3. {Great Friends...} I swear I have the best friends ever... they love me for me and put up with my non-stop verbal vomit... they are some pretty darn amazing women (and some guys too:)) and I am so beyond blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people!


4. {COFFEE!!!} Seriously... this needs no explanation!


5. {God's Amazing Grace...} woops maybe I should have put this first... I was a little caught up in my costco moment... But He is so good... all of the time...


6. {The right words, when I need them} My hubby just has a way with words... this is what he texted me the other night while I pulled a mini Thelma & Louise at Costco (well I guess it was just a Thelma because Louise was at the coast) ... "You are beautiful... this is the life we GET to live." reminding me that we are so incredibly blessed to be parents to these special boys... even on the rough days. 


7. {An Amazing Family...} How amazing is it to have a HUGE and by HUGE I mean GINOURMOUS group of relatives that we would actual choose as friends even if we weren't related. We have the best family and don't take any of them for granted for even one second. 

{Photo By: Maria Alexandra Photography}

What do you do when you realize the REAL you sucks??? We laugh and talk and cry a little here and there about being punched in the gut or slapped across the face with perspective... But have you ever been blind sided by a dump truck that ran you down and then backed up over you?? So much so that when the damage is done you look at who you are and what you've done and can't do anything but cry and be broken.... and eat.. seriously I need a T-shirt that says, "Help I'm eating and I can't stop!" The past 4 days I've eaten enough to feed a small country because I'm an emotional eater... those 4 pounds I lost when my throat hurt so bad I couldn't eat... well, they've found their way back and are now riding comfortably on my jiggly backside!!



I am a verbal vomiter... I am... I think it's genetic because my mom suffers from the same disease. I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I think I'm being funny ...when I'm not and I think people always need to hear my passionate opinions... when they don't. And let me tell you, it's a hard road to recovery when you're a verbal vomiter. It's a road filled with apologies and broken pleas for forgiveness. Up until now I've never really seen the intense repercussions of being a "V.V."... up until now I've either had friends just tell me I'm full of crap or roll their eyes when they think I'm not looking and chalk it up to me being me.



I keep replaying recent events in my mind and wondering what it is that makes me act so foul sometimes... and what it is that keeps me from forgiving and being able to move on when I feel judged and hurt.



The hard part about being a "V.V." is when you're wrong... and then you put yourself out there to admit your immaturity and horribleness... when you plead with a broken heart after learning how much you offended a friend... and then you're rejected and further humiliated. The problem is you were the one who was wrong first so you don't get to whine and cry and say how hurt you are by the humiliation you feel... you just have to suck it up... you have to realize this is a consequence for your immature, thoughtless words... heart broken and emotionally empty, you have to chalk it up to the fact that the "real" you just sucks sometimes...



I stand up and preach that we all need to be "real"... that God loves us for who we are right now, ugliness and all... and that we should love, accept and have grace for one another too, and it's true... but what do you do when you realize there are large parts of the "real" you that just suck. That part of me... the part of me that really sucks... wants to say screw it all... I don't need this drama in my life, I have enough on my plate... I want to be who I am and not have to tip toe around people. BUT the big girl in me, the me that loves God with all that I am and knows what He says about grace and forgiveness for others and ourselves... says I have to do the right thing. I have to love and grow and repair damaged relationships. It's so difficult it hurts my core, I hate  the feeling of being humbled, judged, reprimanded,  and insulted... and I hate it even more when it's justified. But honestly, I'm stubborn and passionate and extremely hard headed so unfortunately things like this are almost the only way for me to see how desperately I need to grow.



For me, now all I can do is start chipping away at this ugly side of myself... Consciously try to verbally vomit on people less. To bite my tongue until it bleeds if I need to... to go back to the kitchen where it all started... humbled, humiliated, embarrassed and broken and start growing the parts of me that don't suck as much. In doing this I'll just have to hope and trust that grace and love can rule over everything... that forgiveness and peace can trump hurt feelings and stupid words.... that I can give my friends the benefit of the doubt and not act on what I think they're thinking... and that they will do the same for me. How many times will I have to pull these big girl panties up before I stop and think BEFORE I speak???



If you're brave enough share with us a time that you've had to be a big girl and pull up those panties and do the right thing... when you really didn't want to??

...psst... she has three boys too... so she's familiar with the funk!

"...you have to..."

Sometimes I resent the things I "have" to do in a day... and for no real reason at all I get myself into a mommy funk. So when my three year old says for the 7000th time "Mom, You have to..." instead of correcting him and modeling the words he should say... I get right down on his level and say... "I don't HAVE to do anything." (Insert head bob and finger wave here) ... at which point he ignores my attitude and repeats himself... and I just end up doing what he's asking me to do anyway ... but with a grudge. It's funny how fast I forget how blessed I am to HAVE to do so many mundane and sometimes down right disgusting things... hey I live with four boys remember:):)



It was two years ago this past Sunday that my husband CJ and I moved our family back to Southern Oregon. We left our house still on the market just outside of Portland and lost every dime of our savings we had invested in that place. It was the lowest point in our lives together... a newborn baby and two special boys who had just been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (a form of autism). We were broke, broken and honestly at times I felt hopeless... A lot of you already know this story... already know my heart ache of mourning the sons I thought we were going to have and learning to love and celebrate the amazing boys God made them to be... many of you already know that we lost everything and lived with my parents for nine months relying on food stamps and family to help us through one of the darkest chapters of our lives. It was humiliating and earth shattering and beautiful all at once.



It's amazing how things can change in two years. I wish I could say we weren't still reeling from the aftermath of that disaster. What I can say is that if I had the chance to wipe it all out.. to get to skip that portion of our lives... I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.



While I don't wish dark times on ANYONE... ever... I have to say it's what grows us... it's what gives us perspective and grace for people and situations we may have stood in judgement of before. Without pain I don't think we can fully experience compassion... without struggle and suffering we really have no reason to grow.

...my love...

My husband and I have decided that we want to do something every 3rd of July to remember where we were and to marvel at how far God has brought us. How the rough stuff bound us together... if even just barely by a thread at times... we got through it with a deeper connection and love than we ever knew possible. And that my friends is worth celebrating!



I love remembering the fact that it was only two short years ago that I was praying for this very home... even knowing about the black mold, old windows, draftiness and bug "situation"... I dreamed of how our family would grow and thrive in this place... and we have. It's remembering July 3rd, 2009 that brings me out of my "mommy funks" and reminds me to celebrate all the the things I GET to do for my friends and family and amazing boys who are doing better than ever.



Perspective is everything... it's so easy to lose... and sometimes so painful to gain. What do you GET to do today?

  



      I have been a hairdresser for 10+ years and in those years if I had a dime for every woman that said "I wish my hair was...thicker, thinner, straight, or curly" I'd be retired and living on the shorelines of Tahiti.  The response that I have adopted, would have made me just as rich..."stick around here for the day and you will love your hair".  You see, the way they look at their hair is because of their perspective.

     If a perfectionist walked into my house right now, they would be disgusted by the lack of order...but on the other hand, if a hoarder walked in, they would be frightened by the open space and lack of clutter.  They would be seeing my home based on their own perspective.  Let me ask this, which one would be right???

     My kids think I'm tall, my husband thinks I'm short.  Based on their perspectives, who is right???

Donald Trump would think my home is a shack...the woman who lives in Uganda in a mud hut would think I live in a mansion.  They would be seeing the same house but basing their opinion on their own perspective.  So again, which one is right??



   Ever have those moments where you have to take a good look at "deep" things?  Well it happened to me this week and this is the "punch in the gut by perspective" part, so I'll quickly move onto my point...you like the quickly part, don't you!   Based on our own perspectives, we judge others.  Let me soften that because I hope we all try not to judge...we make assessments and assumptions about people.

     Lets say we see a tall, totally put together, gorgeous blond, we assume that she has a happy life, feels great about herself and lives a completely self absorbed, judgmental existence.

    On the other hand, lets picture a 5'2" brunet (which I happen to like because I am those things ;))  wearing sweats, a big old t-shirt, and no makeup.  We assume she doesn't like herself, she is probably lonely and would be relatable and sweet to talk to.

     Notice something...with both scenarios, I listed what might be assumed on the positive side and the negative side...any guess why???  Because depending on your own perspective  we would look at these two women totally differently!  My point is this.  I can't simply look at someone and think I know anything about them.  We do make assumptions about others based on our own perspective.  OK, so maybe its just me, but I doubt it ;)

     I want to  have more grace by not setting standards for others based on the standards I set for myself.  I expect things from myself that I  never want to expect from others.  I talk a lot around here about food and health, and sometimes in the process I forget that others don't have the same ideals for their own lives.  And that is so totally OK, because it would be so boring would it be if we were all the same!  You may relate to me sometimes, and sometimes not...but what I want you to know is that I never want any of you to think I am being judgy or purposefully insensitive.  I am not the best at communicating what I am feeling, and I have a tendency to be a bit too black and white.  What I love is the variety of women that are hanging out here!  We love you and we love your input.  I have so much to learn, and I learn from you all.  I hope for us all, this blog can be a place we all love to be.  Sometimes you may want to punch me (never Linz though because she is way too cool!) but I hope that you will understand that I come from a place of just wanting to grow and figure stuff out, and I hope you are along for the ride.

     I know that I strayed a bit from our theme this month of "get off your butt and get healthy" so I'm going to end this today by saying lets all have a "healthy" perspective toward each other, because we can never look at someone and assume things that we can't really know...(how do you like that deep thought!)

     Can you remember to share us?  We appreciate it!

My treasure from Serendipity in Bend this weekend "Living the Minivan Dream"!

I drive a 2002 heavily "loved" minivan. It has war wounds from spilled soy milk and rogue french fries that have been petrified between the seats for years. It has a bit of a large ding on the front passenger side where I ran into our garage one day while texting and driving a bit too fast. (eeek...no kids in the car thank goodness:) It's pushing 200K miles and the automatic sliding door has been transformed into my daily workout since it takes all 160 pounds of me to close it each and every time we want it to work... I am in every sense {LIVING THE MINIVAN DREAM}... and it's only now that I can wear that badge with honor.



Last week on Mother's Day my little sister and I were swapping war stories of our destructive children and sleep depravation when my mom chimed in and said. "I know I had my melt downs when you kids were growing up... but I really LOVED my job as a stay at home mom... it doesn't really seem like you girls like it." I was stunned and hurt, and while my mom wasn't meaning to be disrespectful or hurt me... her words cut me deep and I cried myself to sleep that night.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that she didn't understand... that I love my kids but that didn't mean that I had to love the endless laundry and accidents and potty training and sibling rivalry... I knew my defense was weak though and as a mother of 5, every part of her understood my feelings of frustration and wondering if sleep would ever be something I experience EVER again. Every part of her knew the darkness that creeps in from time time, telling me that my only worth in life is as a maid, servant and "cook"(or in my case we'll call it a "microwave technician")... and maybe her words wouldn't have hurt so much if my husband hadn't said the same thing to me just a few weeks ago... I was defensive because I wondered if there really was a small piece of truth to it.



This past weekend I was able to go on my first EVER in the history of the world {MOM'S WEEKEND}. It was awesome and refreshing... we ate great food and drank good wine. More meaningful than anything though were the amazing conversations we had reminding me how blessed I am to wear the badges of chief butt wiper, nose blower and meal maker... reminding me how blessed I am to bear the marks of motherhood and how important my job of raising my three little men really is...

...proof that the urban legend of a "Mom's Weekend" is more than a myth...

I think sometimes in my quest to be real and relatable I come across grouchy and complaining. While preaching on my soap box, that none of us have it all together, I get lost and forget so often to relate the beautiful redeeming parts of motherhood ...  the snuggling, and loves and giggles and beauty of seeing my boys love each other. What terrifies me is thinking that my kids, even for a nano second, might think I don't love my job as their mom. The bottom line is that we're at a rough stage in life... with 2 toddlers and a very special 6 year old... life on any given day is not easy. There are many days that I just cry to myself thinking... "This is NOT what I signed up for." But I know we won't be in this season for ever... and I do love my job and my family more than anything... they define me ... they make me a better person... they give me purpose and passion and laughter and so much unconditional love and forgiveness that I don't deserve. Before them, life was easier... life was less messy and complicated... life was carefree ... BUT BEFORE THEM... I WAS LOST...  AND BEFORE THEM... I DIDN'T HAVE A SONG.



Have you ever heard a song that actually changed your life... your perspective or your heart??? This one did just that to me this weekend! It was like a sweet punch in the face (if there is such a thing) reminding me that I am nothing without my four men... even with a crappy minivan and old rundown house and having to scrub UBS (Unidentifiable "Brown" Stuff) out of the carpet 17 times a day... I love my life and I am so completely blessed! I L-O-V-E JJ Heller! I just downloaded her CD "When I'm With You" because every song on it is AMAZING... and I especially love "Until You Came Along" listen to it and you'll know why:) Here's the song, press play (below) to listen to it... [Click Here to buy on iTunes]

Picture by Maria Alexandra photography

The past two days have been challenging to say the least. Not because anything tragically terrible has happened... but because, well, let's face it... I'm a little bit drama... and a lot a bit PMSy. Not a real good combo for the "yule tide" season.  I was ridiculous...  I threw the biggest, most embarrassing, mommy tantrum baby Jesus has ever seen and I wrapped everything up with a "Really God?? Really?? WOW?? SERIOUSLY... WHATEVER!!!" .. I may have thrown a few other choice words in there because Thatcher, my three year old potty mouth police,  just kept saying, "Mommy, we don't say..."



I've just been in a funk... Things have not been happening at all how I planned. Like NOTHING is going according to plan...It feels like no matter how hard my husband I work we are stuck in the same pit in so many facets of our lives. And when you only focus on the crap that happens in life... guess what??? It makes you feel crappy, and I was consumed with how "wronged" I felt.  I was crying to my husband over the phone yesterday, (and by crying I mean shoulders bobbing, snot flying, eyes swollen from sobbing so hard) he listened to me rant for a while and then he b*^%$@ slapped me with a little bit of perspective... I honestly wasn't expecting it,  I started to get huffy and defensive... but then I realized I needed to put on my big girl undies and listen to what he had to say...



This is what he reminded me: 



Last year at this time...



We didn't have jobs....

We lived with my parents and had no clue when we'd have our own place...

We couldn't buy Christmas presents for our kids... (But thanks to Sparrow Clubs our boys were very blessed!)

We were living off of credit cards...

We were on food stamps...

Thatcher had just been diagnosed officially with autism...

We were both 30 pounds over weight ...



Looking at that list makes me cry... not because it's so flippen depressing, but because it reminds me of how incredibly much God has blessed us...





We now have jobs... good jobs...

We live in our dream house... (old and broken and out of date, but still our dream house)

We are able to provide a great Christmas for our boys... (they won't get everything they want, but that won't kill them)

We make enough to cover all of our needs...

We can afford the groceries our family needs...

Thatcher is talking and doing better than ever!!!

While neither of us our skinny minnies... we are healthy!

AND, After almost two years on the market our house in Portland is set to close Jan 13th!!!



So much can change in a year... even things that seem hopeless. Perspective is so powerful... and so easy to let go of and forget... It can make you happy and content when you have nothing or ungrateful and jealous when you really have so much to be thankful for. After I talked to my husband and owned my responsibility for some of the stuff going on I almost instantly felt a thousand pounds lighter... and for the first time in a long time I had peace and joy and even contentment... things I haven't genuinely felt for a long, long time... it was kind of beautiful.



This Christmas, I hope no matter where you're at financially or what is going on with family and friends, you would be able to experience the freedom, peace and joy that comes from choosing to focus on the blessings in life... Merry Christmas!



Things I am thankful for today...

Silly Pictures... of my beautiful boys!

The love of my life!

An amazing family!

A best friend who doesn't care when my son pees on her son's leg!

I have a filthy mouth. No joke… I talk like a trucker and for no real reason other than it just makes me feel better sometimes. I’ve actually been able to tame my tongue at different points in life…when I went on a mission to Chile for six months….when I became a pastor’s wife and thought I probably shouldn’t be dropping F-bombs in front of our youth group. But somehow the words slowly slip their way back into my vocabulary. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago at Costco when my oldest dropped a huge *&%^%&  %*$#@) bomb that I decided to clean up my act…wondering what he said??? If you guessed the F-Word you’re wrong…it was worse and only a few choice NON-JUDGEMENTAL friends will ever know what he really said. The lady in the isle next to us gasped and looked at me with horror in her eyes. So I did what any self-respecting parent would do…I bent down and said, “Sawyer, where did you hear that??? We never say those words.” I, of course, knew darn well where he’d heard it … flying out of my mouth, twenty minutes earlier, as I tried to find a parking spot.