Nothing in me wants to write this post... I even put a little note out on our facebook page asking for ideas to write about, just to avoid what has smacked me in the face like a bag of bricks this week. But, as with most things I don't want to do, the gnawing guilt in the pit of my stomach won't allow my conscience to skip over an opportunity to be judged by other mothers something that will no doubt make you feel better about your parenting skills.

This past weekend I was walking into Wal-Mart with my youngest two and almost got stuck in the middle of a brawl. An upset customer walked out ... well, stormed out smashing her cart through the door almost hitting my cart. A woman and her daughter on the other side of me (not even in the angry customers path of rage) started yelling at her for her rude behavior. As the mom blasted the woman for leaving the cart in her way, the 14(ish) year old daughter joined in. I just stood there, mouth open, staring in disbelief... I was appalled that the mom let her daughter talk that way to another adult (rude or not)... Yes, this weekend I was a "judger"... ewe it feels icky being on this end... I think from now on I'll stay on the "being judged" end of things, it feels way less squiggy (don't worry it came back to bite me in the butt)... Anyway, as I was walking through Wal-Mart on my very high horse, thinking about how my kids would be splats on the sidewalk if they acted like that ... I also thought about the ten million other things I do everyday that could and maybe already have negatively affected my children in some way.

I like to think of myself as a semi-good person... sure I swear like a trucker, but I help others and I don't cheat on my taxes... I love God and try to be a good example to my boys... most days at least. I have to be honest though, as I weighed out the good and the bad, these are the questions I asked myself...

I could go on... but I think you get the picture... my only hope is that they will take most of the good stuff with them... that even in the past few years of suffocating blows to our family I hope they will be able to remember the love that has bound us together... 

Tonight when my hubby got home I was in a dark place. I was fed up with the kids fighting... the screaming... the playing one minute and someone hurt and crying the next minute... I was done. He came in and asked what was wrong and I mustered up a very dramatic "It's just been a HARD day" (insert sigh and victim face here.) Then he asked "Yeah but did something specific happen? Why are you so upset??" I was a bit P.O.'d at his response and was about to flip the "crazy mommy" switch when I remembered Wal-Mart... and thought about what kind of mom I want my kids to remember.



I'm not saying the "crazy mommy" switch will never get flipped again... I'm not even saying that tomorrow at dinner time I won't be ready to eat my young.  But I am going to try to remember that they are boys... loud, messy, wild boys and I am going to force myself to celebrate the fact that they are at least interacting with each other (a dream for parents of kids with autism.) And I'm going to take the crazy down at least a notch to "only slightly crazy mommy"... baby steps people!!! I live with 4 boys!!!