{Photo By: Maria Alexandra Photography}

I was in the fifth grade when my older brother's girlfriend showed me how to make myself throw up... and that's the moment my war against food was waged. What started as I cry out for attention quickly snowballed into a full blown eating disorder. The more I dieted and purged and worked out obsessively ... the more self-centered and self absorbed I became. The empty dark hole inside of me was never satisfied, it whispered to me and told me I was ugly and disgusting... and eventually it convinced me I was nothing... less than nothing.



It's amazing how wrapped up we can get in how we look. And how we relate how we look on the outside to who we are on the inside. For so many years I thought if I could look the "right" way THEN I could be loved and accepted and feel worthy of both. Even though I left the physical act of "bingeing and purging" behind in Chile, all of the emotional baggage of not feeling good enough EVER... came back home to the states with me... along with the extra 30 pounds I was packing on my little missionary booty.



I replaced my eating disorder with an obsessive need to serve (and no... not for others... but for myself... to make ME feel worthy... there was nothing beautiful or Godly about it) It was important for me to identify myself as the worker... the servant... the one who never says no... I always had to be seen serving... always tried to EARN love and attention and affection... by "doing" this time instead of "purging".



It wasn't until I had my oldest son Sawyer, that a good friend (and father of 5) gave me this advice, He said "Lindsay, look at Sawyer... he's so busy... ALL of the time... isn't your favorite time when he just stops and sits in your lap and hugs you and isn't really doing anything at all?? How much more do you think God wants that from you... he doesn't want what you have to offer... he doesn't want what you look like... he wants you... just the way you are." That was the moment my heart began to heal, that was the moment the empty dark hole inside of me started to shrink... that was my first glimpse at worthiness and I knew I wanted more.



I could bore you with more years of dieting and weight gain and pregnancy and dieting... I can't tell you when I finally just started to let go of the  "dieting" and "doing"for all of the wrong reasons because honestly I don't even know... it was probably around kid #3 when I was too tired and strung out to care about trying to look like a barbie or about pleasing others or letting them down by my inability to ever say NO. It's like I just woke up one morning and realized I felt free... it's an amazing feeling... almost indescribable actually.



Now as I'm sitting here typing, at 31,  I can tell you I feel worthy of love... and affection... I don't hate myself... I don't have to "do" or have people see me "do" to feel good about myself... I am fine with my weight and my size 10 jeans... I am who I am... I am who God made me... This blog has walked me through so many of my issues, it's been almost therapeutic to write and be honest and have so many of you tell me you've gone through the same things. I can honestly say now that with all of my "headcaseyness"... with my 160 pounds of pure love of a body... with stretch marks and spider veins... with my dirty house and never ending list of stuff I never get done... I love myself... and I am worthy... have you ever said that out loud? I -AM-WORTHY! I am worthy... not because of who I am or what I've done (yes that's a JJ Heller song:)).. but just the way I am... I am worthy of love and forgiveness and acceptance ... and so are you...

My treasure from Serendipity in Bend this weekend "Living the Minivan Dream"!

I drive a 2002 heavily "loved" minivan. It has war wounds from spilled soy milk and rogue french fries that have been petrified between the seats for years. It has a bit of a large ding on the front passenger side where I ran into our garage one day while texting and driving a bit too fast. (eeek...no kids in the car thank goodness:) It's pushing 200K miles and the automatic sliding door has been transformed into my daily workout since it takes all 160 pounds of me to close it each and every time we want it to work... I am in every sense {LIVING THE MINIVAN DREAM}... and it's only now that I can wear that badge with honor.



Last week on Mother's Day my little sister and I were swapping war stories of our destructive children and sleep depravation when my mom chimed in and said. "I know I had my melt downs when you kids were growing up... but I really LOVED my job as a stay at home mom... it doesn't really seem like you girls like it." I was stunned and hurt, and while my mom wasn't meaning to be disrespectful or hurt me... her words cut me deep and I cried myself to sleep that night.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that she didn't understand... that I love my kids but that didn't mean that I had to love the endless laundry and accidents and potty training and sibling rivalry... I knew my defense was weak though and as a mother of 5, every part of her understood my feelings of frustration and wondering if sleep would ever be something I experience EVER again. Every part of her knew the darkness that creeps in from time time, telling me that my only worth in life is as a maid, servant and "cook"(or in my case we'll call it a "microwave technician")... and maybe her words wouldn't have hurt so much if my husband hadn't said the same thing to me just a few weeks ago... I was defensive because I wondered if there really was a small piece of truth to it.



This past weekend I was able to go on my first EVER in the history of the world {MOM'S WEEKEND}. It was awesome and refreshing... we ate great food and drank good wine. More meaningful than anything though were the amazing conversations we had reminding me how blessed I am to wear the badges of chief butt wiper, nose blower and meal maker... reminding me how blessed I am to bear the marks of motherhood and how important my job of raising my three little men really is...

...proof that the urban legend of a "Mom's Weekend" is more than a myth...

I think sometimes in my quest to be real and relatable I come across grouchy and complaining. While preaching on my soap box, that none of us have it all together, I get lost and forget so often to relate the beautiful redeeming parts of motherhood ...  the snuggling, and loves and giggles and beauty of seeing my boys love each other. What terrifies me is thinking that my kids, even for a nano second, might think I don't love my job as their mom. The bottom line is that we're at a rough stage in life... with 2 toddlers and a very special 6 year old... life on any given day is not easy. There are many days that I just cry to myself thinking... "This is NOT what I signed up for." But I know we won't be in this season for ever... and I do love my job and my family more than anything... they define me ... they make me a better person... they give me purpose and passion and laughter and so much unconditional love and forgiveness that I don't deserve. Before them, life was easier... life was less messy and complicated... life was carefree ... BUT BEFORE THEM... I WAS LOST...  AND BEFORE THEM... I DIDN'T HAVE A SONG.



Have you ever heard a song that actually changed your life... your perspective or your heart??? This one did just that to me this weekend! It was like a sweet punch in the face (if there is such a thing) reminding me that I am nothing without my four men... even with a crappy minivan and old rundown house and having to scrub UBS (Unidentifiable "Brown" Stuff) out of the carpet 17 times a day... I love my life and I am so completely blessed! I L-O-V-E JJ Heller! I just downloaded her CD "When I'm With You" because every song on it is AMAZING... and I especially love "Until You Came Along" listen to it and you'll know why:) Here's the song, press play (below) to listen to it... [Click Here to buy on iTunes]