{Photo By: Maria Alexandra Photography}

What do you do when you realize the REAL you sucks??? We laugh and talk and cry a little here and there about being punched in the gut or slapped across the face with perspective... But have you ever been blind sided by a dump truck that ran you down and then backed up over you?? So much so that when the damage is done you look at who you are and what you've done and can't do anything but cry and be broken.... and eat.. seriously I need a T-shirt that says, "Help I'm eating and I can't stop!" The past 4 days I've eaten enough to feed a small country because I'm an emotional eater... those 4 pounds I lost when my throat hurt so bad I couldn't eat... well, they've found their way back and are now riding comfortably on my jiggly backside!!



I am a verbal vomiter... I am... I think it's genetic because my mom suffers from the same disease. I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I think I'm being funny ...when I'm not and I think people always need to hear my passionate opinions... when they don't. And let me tell you, it's a hard road to recovery when you're a verbal vomiter. It's a road filled with apologies and broken pleas for forgiveness. Up until now I've never really seen the intense repercussions of being a "V.V."... up until now I've either had friends just tell me I'm full of crap or roll their eyes when they think I'm not looking and chalk it up to me being me.



I keep replaying recent events in my mind and wondering what it is that makes me act so foul sometimes... and what it is that keeps me from forgiving and being able to move on when I feel judged and hurt.



The hard part about being a "V.V." is when you're wrong... and then you put yourself out there to admit your immaturity and horribleness... when you plead with a broken heart after learning how much you offended a friend... and then you're rejected and further humiliated. The problem is you were the one who was wrong first so you don't get to whine and cry and say how hurt you are by the humiliation you feel... you just have to suck it up... you have to realize this is a consequence for your immature, thoughtless words... heart broken and emotionally empty, you have to chalk it up to the fact that the "real" you just sucks sometimes...



I stand up and preach that we all need to be "real"... that God loves us for who we are right now, ugliness and all... and that we should love, accept and have grace for one another too, and it's true... but what do you do when you realize there are large parts of the "real" you that just suck. That part of me... the part of me that really sucks... wants to say screw it all... I don't need this drama in my life, I have enough on my plate... I want to be who I am and not have to tip toe around people. BUT the big girl in me, the me that loves God with all that I am and knows what He says about grace and forgiveness for others and ourselves... says I have to do the right thing. I have to love and grow and repair damaged relationships. It's so difficult it hurts my core, I hate  the feeling of being humbled, judged, reprimanded,  and insulted... and I hate it even more when it's justified. But honestly, I'm stubborn and passionate and extremely hard headed so unfortunately things like this are almost the only way for me to see how desperately I need to grow.



For me, now all I can do is start chipping away at this ugly side of myself... Consciously try to verbally vomit on people less. To bite my tongue until it bleeds if I need to... to go back to the kitchen where it all started... humbled, humiliated, embarrassed and broken and start growing the parts of me that don't suck as much. In doing this I'll just have to hope and trust that grace and love can rule over everything... that forgiveness and peace can trump hurt feelings and stupid words.... that I can give my friends the benefit of the doubt and not act on what I think they're thinking... and that they will do the same for me. How many times will I have to pull these big girl panties up before I stop and think BEFORE I speak???



If you're brave enough share with us a time that you've had to be a big girl and pull up those panties and do the right thing... when you really didn't want to??

{Photo By: Maria Alexandra Photography}

I was in the fifth grade when my older brother's girlfriend showed me how to make myself throw up... and that's the moment my war against food was waged. What started as I cry out for attention quickly snowballed into a full blown eating disorder. The more I dieted and purged and worked out obsessively ... the more self-centered and self absorbed I became. The empty dark hole inside of me was never satisfied, it whispered to me and told me I was ugly and disgusting... and eventually it convinced me I was nothing... less than nothing.



It's amazing how wrapped up we can get in how we look. And how we relate how we look on the outside to who we are on the inside. For so many years I thought if I could look the "right" way THEN I could be loved and accepted and feel worthy of both. Even though I left the physical act of "bingeing and purging" behind in Chile, all of the emotional baggage of not feeling good enough EVER... came back home to the states with me... along with the extra 30 pounds I was packing on my little missionary booty.



I replaced my eating disorder with an obsessive need to serve (and no... not for others... but for myself... to make ME feel worthy... there was nothing beautiful or Godly about it) It was important for me to identify myself as the worker... the servant... the one who never says no... I always had to be seen serving... always tried to EARN love and attention and affection... by "doing" this time instead of "purging".



It wasn't until I had my oldest son Sawyer, that a good friend (and father of 5) gave me this advice, He said "Lindsay, look at Sawyer... he's so busy... ALL of the time... isn't your favorite time when he just stops and sits in your lap and hugs you and isn't really doing anything at all?? How much more do you think God wants that from you... he doesn't want what you have to offer... he doesn't want what you look like... he wants you... just the way you are." That was the moment my heart began to heal, that was the moment the empty dark hole inside of me started to shrink... that was my first glimpse at worthiness and I knew I wanted more.



I could bore you with more years of dieting and weight gain and pregnancy and dieting... I can't tell you when I finally just started to let go of the  "dieting" and "doing"for all of the wrong reasons because honestly I don't even know... it was probably around kid #3 when I was too tired and strung out to care about trying to look like a barbie or about pleasing others or letting them down by my inability to ever say NO. It's like I just woke up one morning and realized I felt free... it's an amazing feeling... almost indescribable actually.



Now as I'm sitting here typing, at 31,  I can tell you I feel worthy of love... and affection... I don't hate myself... I don't have to "do" or have people see me "do" to feel good about myself... I am fine with my weight and my size 10 jeans... I am who I am... I am who God made me... This blog has walked me through so many of my issues, it's been almost therapeutic to write and be honest and have so many of you tell me you've gone through the same things. I can honestly say now that with all of my "headcaseyness"... with my 160 pounds of pure love of a body... with stretch marks and spider veins... with my dirty house and never ending list of stuff I never get done... I love myself... and I am worthy... have you ever said that out loud? I -AM-WORTHY! I am worthy... not because of who I am or what I've done (yes that's a JJ Heller song:)).. but just the way I am... I am worthy of love and forgiveness and acceptance ... and so are you...

Katie... married her college sweetheart, and together they continue in youth ministry. Last year they left her hometown and moved with their two daughters to Southern Oregon to start a young adult ministry at Table Rock Fellowship.







The past year feels like a mountain. I’ve been slowing scaling it, step after step, with my husband and my side, my kids in tow. I wont go into the details of all that has happened, because most of you know and the rest of you don’t want to know. It’s been the hardest climb of my life. We're climbing this mountain because it’s the path we’ve chosen. It’s what we know is right. And it hasn’t been easy. It’s been full of ravines that we have managed to climb out of, and full of cliffs that we have managed NOT to fall off of.

I could spend all my time looking back down the mountain. I can see it all if I look behind. I can see the place where I was when I got the first phone call. I can see the pile of stones I sat upon when mom passed away. I can see the places my family collapsed to rest. Further up still, the places I stood when other news came my way. More phone calls, more conversations, more stabs in my heart. If I let myself, I could crawl into those memories and just let them darken my soul.



Or I could look up and take in everything else I can see from way up here. When I see the light of the sun on my children’s faces, I feel my heart lighten. When I lean against my husband’s arm and breathe deep of the air up here, clean and clear, I feel my burden lessen. When I look up, I see beauty.



I’m not just surviving anymore. I’m thriving. I’m growing. My family with me. It’s up to me really, how I react to these things that continue to happen. Because life is messy. Because people are messy. And things look even messier when I look down, when I focus on all that has happened, all that has been done to me. But, when I lift my eyes up to the mountains, to the sunrise, to the horizon, from this high place on which God has brought me . . . I see where my help comes from. I see how far I have come. I see how far He wants to take me.



And I can keep going. Not just dragging, but running. Leaping. Climbing vigorously. Celebrating. Suddenly, the climb is not about all that I’m leaving behind, but about all that I am going towards. I get stronger as I climb. As I look up. Those glances back are healthy. They are healing. As long as I look forward again when I’m done.



So hand in hand we walk, my family and I. Climbing upward. I’ll remember everything from this time. My husband will as well. We’ll treasure these things in our heart. I don’t know how much my kids will remember from this time. I hope they don’t remember the meltdowns I had. I hope they wont remember just the pain of loss and change, but how we got through it. How we tried to keep our focus on what was true, and pure, and good, and hopeful. That God never changes. I hope they’ll remember this when their own climb gets hard someday.



But for now, I hope we all learn to enjoy the view. That we learn to play, leaping from rock to rock instead of complaining about the hurdles. That we get stronger from this time, because it wont always be this way. Someday we’ll get to soar. And I want to be ready for that when it comes.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.