Showing posts with label contentment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label contentment. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
{Living the Minivan Dream}
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| My treasure from Serendipity in Bend this weekend "Living the Minivan Dream"! |
Last week on Mother's Day my little sister and I were swapping war stories of our destructive children and sleep depravation when my mom chimed in and said. "I know I had my melt downs when you kids were growing up... but I really LOVED my job as a stay at home mom... it doesn't really seem like you girls like it." I was stunned and hurt, and while my mom wasn't meaning to be disrespectful or hurt me... her words cut me deep and I cried myself to sleep that night. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that she didn't understand... that I love my kids but that didn't mean that I had to love the endless laundry and accidents and potty training and sibling rivalry... I knew my defense was weak though and as a mother of 5, every part of her understood my feelings of frustration and wondering if sleep would ever be something I experience EVER again. Every part of her knew the darkness that creeps in from time time, telling me that my only worth in life is as a maid, servant and "cook"(or in my case we'll call it a "microwave technician")... and maybe her words wouldn't have hurt so much if my husband hadn't said the same thing to me just a few weeks ago... I was defensive because I wondered if there really was a small piece of truth to it.
This past weekend I was able to go on my first EVER in the history of the world {MOM'S WEEKEND}. It was awesome and refreshing... we ate great food and drank good wine. More meaningful than anything though were the amazing conversations we had reminding me how blessed I am to wear the badges of chief butt wiper, nose blower and meal maker... reminding me how blessed I am to bear the marks of motherhood and how important my job of raising my three little men really is...
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| ...proof that the urban legend of a "Mom's Weekend" is more than a myth... |
Have you ever heard a song that actually changed your life... your perspective or your heart??? This one did just that to me this weekend! It was like a sweet punch in the face (if there is such a thing) reminding me that I am nothing without my four men... even with a crappy minivan and old rundown house and having to scrub UBS (Unidentifiable "Brown" Stuff) out of the carpet 17 times a day... I love my life and I am so completely blessed! I L-O-V-E JJ Heller! I just downloaded her CD "When I'm With You" because every song on it is AMAZING... and I especially love "Until You Came Along" listen to it and you'll know why:) Here's the song, press play (below) to listen to it... [Click Here to buy on iTunes]
Facebook Login Labels: appreciation, contentment, family, jj heller, kids, life, love, minivan mom, music, perspective
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
{Wine, bleach and prayer} A taste of my crazy!
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| It wouldn't be a McPhail family pic if there weren't dirty faces involved! |
The truth is, I've been struggling for a while. The pressure of trying to get our business off of the ground while still being a "decent" (by decent I mean just meeting socially acceptable standards) mother and wife has been overwhelming to say the least... I don't know how many times Gena and I have texted or called each other melting down, ready to pull a "Thelma and Louise" because we feel so stretched and know that we're not doing ANYTHING well.
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| What you get when you add wine and bleach |
Anyway, as Gena and I enjoyed our quiet, kidless conversation and the rest of the bottle of wine we decided what that phrase really meant was that we needed to get our sh... uh... stuff together. We needed to make sure our marriages and kids are our priority over blog posts and weakly sales. I know that seems like a no brainer, but when you're in the thick of it... it's easy to justify putting our family on the back burner for the good of our Earth Monkeys community. But what punched us in the face that night was that NONE of it matters anyway... IF ... we aren't being the women... wife... mothers... God has created us to be.
It's has to be a daily choice for me. I'll be honest, most days I don't want to choose being a referee and butt wiper over a meaningful conversation with a fellow EMM. Even now, as I type, my house is a disaster, the laundry's not done and my husband has no clean pants to wear to work... but instead of choosing to be a crabby witch... sighing and letting everyone know that I have too much on my plate (like I normally do...), I will click publish, go start a load of laundry and have a mini Wii Sports tourney with my boys. Ya, house cleaning still doesn't make the list... that will take a true act of God.
While I will never have it ALL together and I will never do it ALL well, I want to make sure I am at least trying to do the important things well. Even though spring break is KILLING me... I will choose to remember today that I chose to be a wife and a mother before I chose to be a mompreneur... and if nothing else I want my family to know that I choose them now.
{Is there any area of your life that... DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY... but has seemed to consume you on some level... Are you brave enough to be real about it?}
Facebook Login Labels: attitude, contentment, grateful, lent, motherhood
Friday, November 5, 2010
Loving the one you’re with…
It's Friday, that means it's guest contributor time. EMM is so excited to welcome Katie Ristow! She married her college sweetheart, and together they continue in youth ministry. Last year they left her hometown and moved with their two daughters to Southern Oregon to start a young adult ministry at Table Rock Fellowship.The other day my husband and I were arguing, but trying our hardest not to seem like we were, cause, you know, our kids wouldn’t know the difference, right? Well, our four- year old daughter climbed up between us and started telling some random story. She knew we had been arguing, and her little appearance was her attempt at making things right. I think all kids have that response built into them. They know when the peace is broken, they know when things aren’t okay, and they desperately long to get back to that.
Cause mom and dad are their whole world.
There are all sorts of things that I don’t want to pass onto my kids, like my fear or anxiety. And there are tons of things I DO want to pass onto them, like a love for the Lord, a balanced pursuit of their passions, and desire to minister to other people. But I think one of the best things I can do for them, is to love their daddy.
My husband and I fight FOR our marriage. We’ve been criticized for being overly affectionate, or too mushy, or blah blah blah. Turns out we have the same love language though, which is mushiness, and so it works fine for us. I’ve been criticized for the way I have built my home by other moms and singles. But, I am passionate about my home, my kids, and my marriage. And I guard those things with everything in me. I am careful about my time with my husband and making sure that HE is the person and MAN that I spend most of my time with. Because all of those things affect my home, my marriage, my kids. Every little thing. For the good or the bad.
To be honest, I mess up so much that I could definitely benefit from a giant can of whiteout. But, I’m trying to make our home a haven for my kids and my man. And I’ve found that in our home, what affects things the most, is the way my husband and I treat each other. If we’re arguing, the kids behave in a like manner. They’re behavior almost seems to demand our attention, I think, to get us to stop arguing.
We’ve all heard the saying, “If mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy.” But when it comes to mom and dad, if they’re not at peace, then nobody’s at peace. And so, even though I can follow the trail of dirty socks and shorts to where he is, and even though my one- year- old loves to wash her hands in the glass or food dish he left out the night before, I’m not going to criticize him. I’m going to focus on how grateful I am to have a man to clean up after, a man that loves the Lord, that loves me, and loves his kids. I’m going to forgive him for his forgetfulness that sometimes hurts my feelings, and am going to thank him for his faithfulness. I am going to get over myself, and open my eyes to what I have in him. Literally, my prince charming, only with a beard. And… the next time I argue with him, I’m going to do it in privacy where it won’t disrupt my little ones’ world. I’m going let them see us make up (appropriately, of course. Saving the inappropriate for the bedroom). And I’m going to encourage him.
It doesn’t just help he and I, but it helps our daughters. It rights their world. It shows them that mommy and daddy are okay, and if we are okay, then everything else is going to be okay too. It shows them what real forgiveness and love and faithfulness and right relationships look like.
For whatever reason, some of you are doing this parenting thing alone. Even though you’re in a much harder place, we’re all doing the same thing. We’ve all just got to be careful. Careful about whom we bring into our home, about how we speak about our kids’ father, and about how we set the mood of our home. God will be faithful even when others are not.
You’ll be amazed at how having a peaceful home, and, if you’re married, how a good marriage will affect your kids’ lives, from the way they behave at school, to the way they sleep at night. It’s a wonderful thing to walk through my home at night (which I do a lot because I’m a light sleeper), and to feel peace. To see your kids sleeping in peace, to lie down beside your husband in peace, and to rest even in the darkness because all is how it should be.
I learned a whole life’s worth of lessons sitting by my mom’s deathbed this year. Her cancer was swift moving, taking something from her with every passing breath, reducing her from a healthy, vibrant woman to nothing in a matter of five months. The last conversation she had with any of us was one beautiful morning in May of 2010 when she awoke coherent and lucid. My father rushed me, my 12 year old sister, and my 15 year old sister into the bedroom. We sat on the bed and she spoke to each of us, taking our hands and imparting a final blessing. For my youngest sister, it was an attempt at a sex talk that had something to do with mating bees. But for my father, it was the most surreal thing I have ever heard. My parents didn’t have a bad marriage, but it wasn’t a fairy tale either. And so, on this last good morning, she turned to him slowly, her eyes so full of heartache and tears that I can still remember exactly what they looked like, and she said, “You weren’t the easiest man to be married to. But you are a good man, and I don’t want to leave you.” And as sobs racked her body, they embraced and she cried again, “I don't want to leave you.”
It’s all about perspective. It’s about looking beyond the piles of laundry, the unpaid bills, the noise, and the sleepless nights and remembering that none of that really matters in the scope of eternity. What matters are our relationships. What matters is what we’re passing on to our kids. What matters is that we love the man we are with, with a love that is deep, true, passionate, forgiving, enduring, patient, kind, faithful and both inward and outward. And if the man you’re with is not lovable, you can still demonstrate forgiveness, endurance, patience, kindness, and faithfulness
For from our example is how our babies will learn to love.
Check Out Katie's Personal Blog at www.ristowswife.wordpress.com
Check Out Katie's Personal Blog at www.ristowswife.wordpress.com
Facebook Login Labels: contentment, gratitude, growing up, home, kids, life, love, marriage, memories
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Do as I say, Not as I did...
I acquired a pregnant Mediterranean Burro recently. The only information that came with her was: ” I have no idea when she’s due…” I was so excited to be bringing her home I couldn’t sleep. Seriously, I could not sleep. I was in the process of building a chicken house and Mama donkey, as we resorted to calling her, upset the whole process. I was sure she was going to pop any minute and I vowed to not leave her side. I actually got my friend to “sit” with her when I attended a baby shower. By day 3 I was ‘over it.’ I wanted my life back. I whined, I complained. It made me remember back, way way back, to my own pregnancies. I remember looking at the “sell by” dates on milk and smoked turkey thinking: “By the time this is rotten, my baby will be here!” Okay so it isn’t a flowery analogy, I’m a little off the beaten path so to speak, but you get my drift.
Life as we knew it tries to resume a level of normalcy but a lot of the time our ducks refuse to line up. I’ve heard plenty of pregnant women recite: “Oh this baby is not going to change our lifestyle!”
I’ve learned to bite my tongue until it bleeds while silently thinking, “Let me know how that works for you.” It’s interesting to read the Facebook status of new moms. First the build up to birth, then the announcement of the birth, and sorry but I like the pun; the AFTER birth. With this last part comes the complaining about everything from exhaustion to the non invested husband/daddy.
I think sometimes we lose sight of the big picture. It’s like focussing on the wedding and the honeymoon and forgetting that we vowed a lifetime in this relationship. When we bring these little people into the world we are committing to raising responsible adults who will one day be an integral part of his or her community. Rather than fitting them in to our lives we have to reinvent ourselves to create our family environment. I hear statements referring to life before kids as “Back when I had a life.” It kind of breaks my heart.
I read a great book years ago called Calm My Anxious Heart- a woman’s guide to finding contentment (by Linda Dillow). It quoted from the diary of a woman who had been a missionary in Africa for many years. She listed 5 points as her prescription for contentment. It is my hope to live long enough to achieve just the first point: ”Never allow yourself to complain about anything—not even the weather.” This from a woman living in primitive conditions in scorching heat. Some days she would have to bring the thermometer inside because it couldn’t register past 120 degrees without breaking.
This dirty messy place where we reach the end of our ropes is life. The secret to surviving is to stop trying to live the old life and embrace the snot, poop, puke, endless tears, heart break, disappointment, rage, sticky hugs, slobbery kisses, bed time stories, building forts, and lets not forget that very first unprovoked “Mommy I very love you.” For just one day I challenge you as I challenge myself: Complain about nothing… not even your husband :o)
P.S. I don’t have anything fancy like a bracelet to give away like Jamie did last week, but because I am often lovingly referred to as the coffee Nazi, I will send a pound of Good Bean Coffee (AKA HEAVEN!!) to one lucky Earth Monkeys Facebook Friend... remember you have to comment (on facebook) to win!!
Facebook Login Labels: complaining, contentment, guest contributor, marriage, motherhood, pregnancy, sex
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener… Sometimes it’s poopie brown
GENA...
I know very few single people anymore, but the ones that I do know, I envy…Just the thought of having the freedom to drive without being instructed, to go any movie, any time, and to make decisions without having to consult anyone. I would love to own all of the real estate in my closet, and eat (only) vegetables for dinner. If I were single, I would decorate my N.Y. loft apartment for my taste only (and have a lot of breakables and white furniture), I would watch chick movies every night and go to bed when I want! Here is the funny thing…those single people I mentioned; are dying to find Mr. Right. They love the thought of having someone to snuggle with, to laugh with and to travel with. They would gladly give everything they own just for the comfort of having a loving husband to share every detail of life with….
I know very few single people anymore, but the ones that I do know, I envy…Just the thought of having the freedom to drive without being instructed, to go any movie, any time, and to make decisions without having to consult anyone. I would love to own all of the real estate in my closet, and eat (only) vegetables for dinner. If I were single, I would decorate my N.Y. loft apartment for my taste only (and have a lot of breakables and white furniture), I would watch chick movies every night and go to bed when I want! Here is the funny thing…those single people I mentioned; are dying to find Mr. Right. They love the thought of having someone to snuggle with, to laugh with and to travel with. They would gladly give everything they own just for the comfort of having a loving husband to share every detail of life with….
I love my children more than there are words to describe, but sometimes I would love to cross a street without having to hold hands and panic about a runaway…I would love to swim alone, to shower alone and to drive without having to constantly pass food to the back seat. I dream of sitting to enjoy an entire meal and not having my life revolve around nap time. But once again, the people without children would practically sell their soul to have beautiful kids like mine. I know this first hand because my husband and I struggled for years to have children of our own, and got to watch as so many around me celebrated their pregnancies…but praise God, he brought us ours through the miracle of adoption. Having experienced what I have brings me to wonder, why do we think the grass always greener???
Well I think we all know…its not!
I could end there but this is something I have been thinking a lot about because its so easy to get frustrated when its seams like life would be better if only………You fill in the blank. But you know what? The person whose life you envy, would trade you in a second. If your kids are driving you nuts…remember that there are thousands of women with empty arms waiting for a child to give her love to. If you would like to trade your husband in for a hunky pool boy, or better yet a rich old dying guy…Remember that even with all of his faults many, many people are consumed with searching for someone to share life with.
I want to spend less time; no, I want to spend NO time being frustrated with the constant work my children are, and less time expecting my husband to fill my every need. I want to spend more time just being thankful that I have such a wonderful family.
If you are single or childless, enjoy it!!! Life will someday be so full, that you will long for just one moment of peace!
If you are married (or not) with children, find your joy in the chaos…because one day it will be quiet again.
The grass is not greener…So whenever we feel like indulging in a pity party…Lets just take a moment to enjoy exactly where we are!
LINZ…
I am the queen of “When (…) happens - THEN I’ll be happy.” OR “When (…) happens - life will be so much easier.”
First it was “If I could get the job of my dreams…then I’ll be happy.” I worked hard and got the job…guess what? I wasn’t happy. Then it was: “When we have a baby our life will be so much fuller.”(fuller of poopy diapers maybe)…We had the baby and we were forever changed…but I still wasn’t content. Then it was “When we get a bigger house…then I’ll be happy”…(little did I know cleaning a 3,500 square foot house isn’t a party)…needless to say I still wasn’t happy. When I got pregnant with #2 of corse I couldn’t work AND be happy so we sold everything we owned… cars, home and everything else… and bought an old fixer upper so I could be a stay at home mom and … be happy. But life kept happening, special needs kids, a tough economy, pursuing dreams and then watching them break off one piece at a time. Lasting happiness and contentment always seemed to be just around the corner…but never quite attainable.
I don’t think I was ever really content…until we lost everything. Being humbled beyond the point of recovery, moving home at 30 and 35 with three kids to live with my parents. Having to admit to everyone in a small town that we couldn’t make it on our own and even worse…that we needed help…was devistating. Getting food stamps and living off credit cards was humiliating. Almost loosing our home that we’d sunk every penny of our saving into was a slap in the face. I almost think I had to face losing it all…all of the things I thought were the most important… to realize what a blessing each day really is. I do have to admit though, even now, as a stay at home mom/non-profit consultant/cheif monkey trainer (yes, that’s really what our business cards say) sometimes I envy my husband as he gets dressed up for work and leaves. ALONE in the car with his thoughts and no screaming kids, getting ready to have stimulating adult conversation, getting to eat and go to the bathroom without kids crawling up his legs…sometimes I wish our roles were reversed. Then I remember I don’t have to get dressed during the day if I don’t want to…heck I don’t even have to brush my teeth. I can eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with marshmallows on top for lunch and the three guys I work for around the clock, although demanding and destructive at times… love me more than anyone on earth…and that makes it all worth it!
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Gratitude…an overused term, an underused attitude!
I am fully convinced that my toddler has no idea that I’m totally envious of his 2-hour commitment to sleep daily at noon. The birds, like perfectly paired figure scatters, that swoop and circle in impeccable timing have no idea what it feels like to be able to only get your feet a few inches off the ground. And how can we forget The Little Mermaid who sang “what would I give if I could live out of these waters” she wanted to walk, not swim. I would love to experience myself quietly submerged in the water without struggling to hold my breath…These are things that make me wonder, what does my life look like to someone living in a grass hut?? Would it invoke the same jealously in them as theses moments do in me?
The answer to that I’m fully convinced of is YES. I would guess that most of us reading this, live in a home with floors and a roof, we drive a car even though it may feel more like a taxi, we have running water and toilets, and our closets are filled to overflowing (of course we all know you can never have too many shoes). But most of the time these “luxuries” cause us to complain!!
I want to live a life of gratitude. Every moment. Not only occasionally when everything feels harmonic, that is not frequent enough. I want to look around and not see the messes my kids have created for the hundredth time, but the fact that I have the two most amazing people on the planet making those messes. (I am crying as I write this) I may pull a meal out of the oven that is far from top chef quality, but it’s nourishing food. My husband daily makes an incredible mess of his sink, he leaves his nasty shoes on the counter, (gasp!) but he has more positives than I have words to describe. I don’t deserve him either! (Crying again! Sheesh!)
I frequently think of a program that I watched where a mother had to put her kids to bed for the night in the late afternoon because she had no more food to subdue their cries of hunger. My kids have a shelf dedicated to snacks, and fresh fruit at their constant disposal! Anyway, I guess my point is this…Our lives, no matter how challenging are cush! We complain a lot (even if its just on the inside) and I think that the things we complain about are the things most of this world would die to have. Seriously, I am so over grumbling when we really have no idea what it is like to live a hard life (I am fully aware that many have had huge hurdles in life) Please, please, please lets all start to get in the habit of appreciating all that we have and realize that most of the chaos is created by our excess anyway. There are men fighting wars, and women living in slavery in this world we live in…They would be shocked and saddened to hear us complain of picking up our kids toys, doing dishes and piles of laundry. Lets be grateful, not just when it feels like a moment of calm, but every moment. We have more to be grateful for than we can even comprehend!!
I’m fully aware that this is way too long, but I would like to add just one more thing. Growing up, my mom had this plaque hanging in our kitchen and it just recently really made sense to me…
Thank you God for dirty dishes, they have a tale to tell. While others may go hungry, we’re eating very well. With home and health and happiness I shouldn’t want to fuss, for by this stack of evidence God’s been good to us.
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The Power of the P-Word…OK, it’s a little long…just put on your big girl undies and read it!
Anyway, back to the “P-Word” … although it’s not a naughty word … the “P-Word” is a hard one for me to digest. PERSPECTIVE. It’s funny how one word can challenge you and even change your life if you let it.
Every morning I wake up to this amazing view:
It’s even more amazing in person and I praise God for ever day we get to live in our house. Now … if I turned the camera the other direction you would see a rundown, green, cinderblock house and all of the glory it’s original 1959 features offer. The toilets don’t work and there is no heat/air in the back of the house. There are spiders the size of tarantulas roaming the halls and more than once I have visited the bathroom at 2 am only to find LARGE tree frogs waiting to greet me on the toilet seat. The carpet is stained, there are holes in the walls and my floor to ceiling windows are NEVER without grimy finger prints. Still it’s the house of my dreams and I would choose to live here even if I had millions.
Why can’t I have that kind of perspective in every part of my life? Why can’t I choose to only focus on the positive when it comes to things like my weight, finances or parenting skills?? Instead of picking myself apart in pictures…groaning about how much weight I still have to lose … why can’t I appreciate that I have dropped almost 30 pounds in the past year? Instead of complaining about all of the bills we have to pay…why can’t I choose to praise the sweet Lord that we now have a steady paycheck and don’t have to rely on food stamps like we’ve had to do in the past? Why can’t I choose learn and grow from the good decisions I make as a parent (it does happen occasionally) instead of letting the suffocating weight of guilt keep me awake at night?
Having the right perspective could change my entire life if I would let it…it’s my choice…it’s your choice. Today I am going to take the time to find the positive in three challenging areas of my life. I am going to praise God for my struggles and ask Him to give me a new perspective on the things in life I hate but I cannot change. Do it with me … because miserly loves company… wait … I mean, because you’ll be glad you did:):)
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