{Photo By: Maria Alexandra Photography}

What do you do when you realize the REAL you sucks??? We laugh and talk and cry a little here and there about being punched in the gut or slapped across the face with perspective... But have you ever been blind sided by a dump truck that ran you down and then backed up over you?? So much so that when the damage is done you look at who you are and what you've done and can't do anything but cry and be broken.... and eat.. seriously I need a T-shirt that says, "Help I'm eating and I can't stop!" The past 4 days I've eaten enough to feed a small country because I'm an emotional eater... those 4 pounds I lost when my throat hurt so bad I couldn't eat... well, they've found their way back and are now riding comfortably on my jiggly backside!!



I am a verbal vomiter... I am... I think it's genetic because my mom suffers from the same disease. I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I think I'm being funny ...when I'm not and I think people always need to hear my passionate opinions... when they don't. And let me tell you, it's a hard road to recovery when you're a verbal vomiter. It's a road filled with apologies and broken pleas for forgiveness. Up until now I've never really seen the intense repercussions of being a "V.V."... up until now I've either had friends just tell me I'm full of crap or roll their eyes when they think I'm not looking and chalk it up to me being me.



I keep replaying recent events in my mind and wondering what it is that makes me act so foul sometimes... and what it is that keeps me from forgiving and being able to move on when I feel judged and hurt.



The hard part about being a "V.V." is when you're wrong... and then you put yourself out there to admit your immaturity and horribleness... when you plead with a broken heart after learning how much you offended a friend... and then you're rejected and further humiliated. The problem is you were the one who was wrong first so you don't get to whine and cry and say how hurt you are by the humiliation you feel... you just have to suck it up... you have to realize this is a consequence for your immature, thoughtless words... heart broken and emotionally empty, you have to chalk it up to the fact that the "real" you just sucks sometimes...



I stand up and preach that we all need to be "real"... that God loves us for who we are right now, ugliness and all... and that we should love, accept and have grace for one another too, and it's true... but what do you do when you realize there are large parts of the "real" you that just suck. That part of me... the part of me that really sucks... wants to say screw it all... I don't need this drama in my life, I have enough on my plate... I want to be who I am and not have to tip toe around people. BUT the big girl in me, the me that loves God with all that I am and knows what He says about grace and forgiveness for others and ourselves... says I have to do the right thing. I have to love and grow and repair damaged relationships. It's so difficult it hurts my core, I hate  the feeling of being humbled, judged, reprimanded,  and insulted... and I hate it even more when it's justified. But honestly, I'm stubborn and passionate and extremely hard headed so unfortunately things like this are almost the only way for me to see how desperately I need to grow.



For me, now all I can do is start chipping away at this ugly side of myself... Consciously try to verbally vomit on people less. To bite my tongue until it bleeds if I need to... to go back to the kitchen where it all started... humbled, humiliated, embarrassed and broken and start growing the parts of me that don't suck as much. In doing this I'll just have to hope and trust that grace and love can rule over everything... that forgiveness and peace can trump hurt feelings and stupid words.... that I can give my friends the benefit of the doubt and not act on what I think they're thinking... and that they will do the same for me. How many times will I have to pull these big girl panties up before I stop and think BEFORE I speak???



If you're brave enough share with us a time that you've had to be a big girl and pull up those panties and do the right thing... when you really didn't want to??

...psst... she has three boys too... so she's familiar with the funk!

"...you have to..."

Sometimes I resent the things I "have" to do in a day... and for no real reason at all I get myself into a mommy funk. So when my three year old says for the 7000th time "Mom, You have to..." instead of correcting him and modeling the words he should say... I get right down on his level and say... "I don't HAVE to do anything." (Insert head bob and finger wave here) ... at which point he ignores my attitude and repeats himself... and I just end up doing what he's asking me to do anyway ... but with a grudge. It's funny how fast I forget how blessed I am to HAVE to do so many mundane and sometimes down right disgusting things... hey I live with four boys remember:):)



It was two years ago this past Sunday that my husband CJ and I moved our family back to Southern Oregon. We left our house still on the market just outside of Portland and lost every dime of our savings we had invested in that place. It was the lowest point in our lives together... a newborn baby and two special boys who had just been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (a form of autism). We were broke, broken and honestly at times I felt hopeless... A lot of you already know this story... already know my heart ache of mourning the sons I thought we were going to have and learning to love and celebrate the amazing boys God made them to be... many of you already know that we lost everything and lived with my parents for nine months relying on food stamps and family to help us through one of the darkest chapters of our lives. It was humiliating and earth shattering and beautiful all at once.



It's amazing how things can change in two years. I wish I could say we weren't still reeling from the aftermath of that disaster. What I can say is that if I had the chance to wipe it all out.. to get to skip that portion of our lives... I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.



While I don't wish dark times on ANYONE... ever... I have to say it's what grows us... it's what gives us perspective and grace for people and situations we may have stood in judgement of before. Without pain I don't think we can fully experience compassion... without struggle and suffering we really have no reason to grow.

...my love...

My husband and I have decided that we want to do something every 3rd of July to remember where we were and to marvel at how far God has brought us. How the rough stuff bound us together... if even just barely by a thread at times... we got through it with a deeper connection and love than we ever knew possible. And that my friends is worth celebrating!



I love remembering the fact that it was only two short years ago that I was praying for this very home... even knowing about the black mold, old windows, draftiness and bug "situation"... I dreamed of how our family would grow and thrive in this place... and we have. It's remembering July 3rd, 2009 that brings me out of my "mommy funks" and reminds me to celebrate all the the things I GET to do for my friends and family and amazing boys who are doing better than ever.



Perspective is everything... it's so easy to lose... and sometimes so painful to gain. What do you GET to do today?

I have a filthy mouth. No joke… I talk like a trucker and for no real reason other than it just makes me feel better sometimes. I’ve actually been able to tame my tongue at different points in life…when I went on a mission to Chile for six months….when I became a pastor’s wife and thought I probably shouldn’t be dropping F-bombs in front of our youth group. But somehow the words slowly slip their way back into my vocabulary. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago at Costco when my oldest dropped a huge *&%^%&  %*$#@) bomb that I decided to clean up my act…wondering what he said??? If you guessed the F-Word you’re wrong…it was worse and only a few choice NON-JUDGEMENTAL friends will ever know what he really said. The lady in the isle next to us gasped and looked at me with horror in her eyes. So I did what any self-respecting parent would do…I bent down and said, “Sawyer, where did you hear that??? We never say those words.” I, of course, knew darn well where he’d heard it … flying out of my mouth, twenty minutes earlier, as I tried to find a parking spot.