Recently l spent an evening at the Earth Monkey Mom Clothing Exchange. I overhear a mom talking with Linz about how she loved the blog, and that being a first time mom sometimes her days are hard and it was great to have other moms to relate to. I feel so far from what she was talking about now that my kids are older, but it took me back to a time when my 3 were little and here is where my story starts. I call this.......





So I have now been a parent for 9+ years, we all have our stories but one day stands out very vivid in my mind.... At that time my kids were almost 5,3 & almost 1. My oldest, max was in pre school so during his school times, nearly every week I would have play dates with my friends Jeni and Stacia, whom both had one child at the time. So it was me, Jack and my baby Elie hanging out. We had been working really hard to get Jack potty trained, he was 31/2, which I felt was ridiculous. Jack had been playing in a little room when I noticed his wet pants, and let me tell ya, I was instantly set off! "Jack, why did you pee your pants? Why didn't you tell mommy?" So I drag him in the bathroom, so annoyed, here we go again! But Jack had more to offer then a pair of wet pants. (This is where the story gets gross) My little man had pooped his pants, but this was no normal situation. His poop had somehow formed itself into a ball, baseball size to be exact! (no exaggeration!) So I spend a moment trying to figure out the best way to maneuver this thing, I shimmy the undies off trying to avoid the "ball" rolling down his legs, hold the "ball" in the undies

like a sling and gently roll it out into the toilet. Problem 2: my dear friend Jeni lived in a new house, one with low flow toilets in it, you get where I am going? Well Jack's "ball" was not in the water so I had to get it there....

I grab a handful of tp and caress the "ball" down into the water. (editors note: I just spit my drink out of my nose picturing Kim "caressing a poop ball!") 



Honestly without the difficult times, what would we have to talk about? This is such a short time in your life, and one day you will look at that child and think he is the smartest, funniest little turd in the world!

 For those that are new around here...our guest contributor Kim,

Is a married mother of three very "active" children. She manages an Italian restaurant and in one of the original "Saucy Sisters". Saucy Sisters is a sauce and salad dressing company that produces fresh sauces with bold flavors. Striving to make the home cook look like a genius, the Saucy Sisters will take your kitchen to a whole new level!

You Can find Saucy Sisters products at:

Redrock Italian Eatery

               The Rogue Valley Growers Market 

(during Market season)

 Soon in a grocery store near you!

                                      Visit their website at: www.saucy-sisters.com and

                                    "Like" Saucy Sisters on FB

Every post is more fun with a giveaway! So share this EMM blog on your page, "like" Saucy Sisters, come tell us that you did both and one lucky random winner will win one of our great sauces!!!

I'm sitting here trying to write some snappy paragraph to lead you into the reason why I am copping out and posting "an oldie but goodie" and not posting one of our Earth Monkey special contributors, but honestly I am so crazy tired, I can hardly type...so here it goes...I reached way back for this one but I though we could all use a little laugh...All of the Extreme Home Makeover stuff with surface again, but tonight, stick a fork in me because I am done!





Gena:

11 years of marriage, 3 crazy kids and my oh my how times have changed. I remember back in the day when I would hurry to get my make-up on and wear just the right outfit for my hunka hunka burnin love. Heck even 5 years into it when I was preggo with monkey numero uno I wore 6 inch wedges to make my legs look thinner... (note to self: when you gain 50+ pounds during pregnancy wedges make you look more like a bale of hay on stilts than "slim" in any sense of the word) Now I consider it a victory if I actually get dressed during the day and doing my hair (which only takes 35 seconds total) and putting on make up only happens for "Special Occasions"... my poor hubby!



Last night I looked at myself... I hadn't showered in a couple of days (due to the fact that whenever I get in the shower my kids seriously try to kill each other or I don't know color with permanent marker on my favorite shoes) and I was wearing the same jammies I had been wearing and worked out in the morning before... it was definitely a low point. I turned to my husband and said "Sorry babe, I promise I'll start putting myself together more often I know I totally look like a hot mess." (minus the hot part), I expected him to say his obligatory "No babe you look great." but instead he said, "I know you've had a lot going on today." Waaa???? It was that moment that I decided I needed to stop being quite so comfortable with my sexy self and go brush my teeth.



Here are some red flags that you are in the same "Jammie Day EVERYDAY" rut...

1. If on the rare occasion when you get dressed in cut offs and a flip flops your kids ask why you're so dressed up... (this one is for you Kiley:))


2. If you have been wearing the same workout clothes for 2+ work out sessions... (even a cute yoga outfit has it's "re-wear" limits.)


3. If your husband would rather give you a high five when he gets home from work than a kiss.


4. If you come out of your room in the morning (bed head in full force) with your purse in your hands ready to pay bills online and your kids ask where you're going. (uhhhh because they're used to leaving the house with you looking like that!)


5. If you get caught in your jammies by the fedex guy almost every time he comes... at 3 pm!


6. If at any point your kids or husband ask you f you are actually going to leave the house like that.

      I got to go on a little "vaca" with my kids this last week...I thought about writing a post on how vacations are so not fun for moms, but I don't want you all to think that I am a total loser mom who cant handle the heat.  So instead I came up with this brilliant idea to make this a post that you, yes you, have to participate in.  I know, cool hu?  This idea came when I was thinking about this hilarious magnet (that I wish I would have got for Linz) that said "there is no such thing as fun for the whole family".  I about peed my pants laughing as I thought about the 15 hours that I had spent watching my kids swim in the hotel pool wishing I was doing something else on this vacation.  So the rules today are, I am going to post a few funny things I found, and it is up to you to add your own under the comments.  Put down a "magnet saying", something on your fridge right now, or just something that makes you laugh every time you think about it!  You are only going to get full pleasure out of this though (that sounds kinda nasty) if you take a peak at what everyone else has said...so here we go some things I think we can all relate to!

I have been wanting to read this book called "Hell is Other Parents" for a while now. It sounds hilarious and honestly I think sometimes we can all relate to this statement to some extent! Unfortunately, it isn't available in an audio book format yet and I don't really read read for fear that if I concentrate too hard on anything for too long my children will shank each other with a broken duplo or flush a full box of tampons down the toilet. It did get me thinking though, while people can be super annoying, sometimes I bet there are other examples in parenthood that more accurately describe HELL...



So here is my list of what "parenting hell" really is...

1. Waking up to my 2 year old puking in my face (yes it went in my mouth) at 2 am... and then having to cut my nose ring out a few days later because the vomit had so enflamed my piercing that my nose was swollen up to my forehead... ahhh good times!


2. Almost sitting on a tree frog that's resting on my toilet seat in the middle of the night... I still throw up a little bit when I relive that one! 


3. Being 30 minutes late for an appointment and realizing that my child has pooped up his back and down his legs as I put him in the car ... AND... not having one single other pair of undies for him to put on because I haven't done laundry in three days... sure hope re-diapering doesn't scar children!


4. Sitting down for a nice Easter dinner with our closest friends and family and having my sensory child puke in his plate at the table... I think we can add Christmas and Thanksgiving to the list too!


5. Having my little guy come snug me in the middle of the night only to wake up in the puddle that he left on my side of the bed because apparently kids don't EVER EVER EVER crawl in bed on daddy's side!


6. Seeing the look of utter shock and disappointment on my little one's face when that $%^&#* tooth fairy forgot to come!! Dumb Broad!


7. Trying a new church for the very first time and as I hand my little one over he pukes all over me, himself and the floor...THEN... turning around to see my hubby booking it down the hall for fear of throwing up himself... always fun to deal with puke and strangers!


8. Having to admit that it was my child that just pulled down his pants and peed in the middle of the water park... and possibly on your child's leg. Sorry about that!


9. Not being able to stop my oldest from saying horrible things he observes about others like asking a guy we were standing in line next to why his teeth were green... seriously how do you recover from that?? 

Do you really remember the first days of having your first little monkey??? Mine are honestly a blur. I do remember cussing out my cousin in the middle of the night some time in the beginning because she told me that getting up during the night wasn't hard at all and she could barely wait to see her little one ready to eat. It was all I could do to pry my very damaged... never to be the same again... hoo-hoo out of bed only to have to fumble with a nipple shield so I could make a mess and ruin perfectly good PJ's and then end up a crying puddle with a hungry, crying baby and a husband who was probably thinking about making a run for it.  :):)



It's hard enough having to deal with hormones and emotions and a precious little monkey that you suddenly realize you have the power to totally screw up... wait, I'm hyperventilating just reliving it... OK I'm better now... What's worse though is the things people say to new moms... Here is my list of things you should NEVER say to a new mom... BECAUSE, even us veteran mom's forget and say very very stupid things!!

1. "Oh, when are you due??" The teller at the bank forever scarred me when I walked up BABY IN ARMS as he asked when I was due... I was like When am I do you little punk???  I just spent 13 hours pushing this watermelon headed kid out!!! 


2. "Wow You Look Tired!" Do I even need to explain... never say this to anyone... EVER... it's code for you look like sh crap and everyone knows it!


3. "Don't worry breast feeding will take off your extra weight."Well maybe it did for you, but I quite literally ate everything but the kitchen sink and it didn't work for me... don't give tired, strung out mamas false hope:)


4. "Don't worry his cone head will go away..." Hey maybe I like his little pointy head... I just pushed a human out of me... A HUMAN CAME OUT OF MY INSIDES!!! His misshapen head is my badge of victory!:)


5. Look at him/her and say"Is it a Boy or a Girl...?" Seriously just don't... no matter what... don't... it could push a hormonal new mama right over the edge:) 

OK these are the things that scarred me as a new mom and I have vowed never to repeat... what crazy things did people say to you???



As always if you're looking for the perfect shower gift or just really great green baby gear for your own little monkey... check out our Earth Monkeys site... all of our stuff is made from recycled plastic bottles and folds up small enough to hook to your keys... PLUS it's SUPER affordable!!

OK Today I have to admit that I'm fried.... I have tried to write a serious post and then a funny post and ended up deciding to delight you with one of my favorite oldie but goodies... I'm a mess, my man's a mess, my house is a mess and my children are only not a mess because I finally gave them a bath today and they are now sleeping... but they will be a mess 5 nano seconds after they wake up cause that's how we role here:) Happy Wednesday!



{Oldie But Goodie}

No one can know the down and dirty of being a parent…until you become a parent… sometimes throughout the day I stop and think to myself…”did those words really just come out of your mouth?” They are words that form sentences I never imagined anyone saying…



Forks Aren’t For Stabbing…Maybe it’s just my kids…but they can turn anything into a weapon and often try to shank each other…



We Don’t Touch Poop… I still remember the day Sawyer came down the stairs proudly yelling ewwe poooop… he had pooped on a toy cell phone and brought it down proud to show us his accomplishment… that was the day the poop war was waged in the McPhail household and we battle on even today…



Don’t Drink the Bath Water… your butt is in that water….Stop drinking it!!! What is the draw?? Seriously, I can’t imagin what is so thirst quenching about merky soapy butt water?? But still they drink…



Hands Off Your Peeper… (I know peeper sounds I little creepy but I just can’t say penis or wiener…) If you have boys, you have to be familiar with this one. day or night rain or shine, they have to make sure their friend is still attached… apparently it will be that way until the end of time…



Is That My Toothbrush In The Toilet??? Oh the glamorous life of a mother…



What Crazy things have you caught yourself saying as a mom that you never thought would come out of your mouth?!?!? We want to know:)!!

      

{By Guest Contributor: Kriste Colley-Valdez}

As a life coach, one of the things I do is help my clients incorporate stress management techniques into their daily lives. After all, stress continues to be a contributor to weight gain, heart disease, insomnia, and dissatisfaction.



However, I can’t help but notice that many of the commonly accepted techniques are almost impossible for a busy mom to practice on a daily basis. Sure, we can squeeze them in from time to time, but you can’t exactly tell the colicky baby, “Ok, well, it’s 2:00 pm and you know that it’s time for my weekly massage! See you in a few hours!” Face it; there are times when our own needs get pushed to the bottom of the list.



Some examples of traditional stress management techniques are massage, taking a few hours for yourself, talking on the phone with a friend, exercise, doing a hobby or activity that you love, a night out, meditation and mindfulness. Yes, it’s a great idea to be mindful, and we SHOULD be. But…it’s tough to rejoice in being present when you are cleaning up spit-up. [Editor's Note: I would like to add snot, pee, puke and UBS (unidentifiable brown stuff) to the list... carry on:)]



As for massage…does it count when my two –year-old runs his race car up and down my back?



How about an actual stress reliever that will not only help you relax, but makes an incredible gift for other half-crazed goddesses in your lives?



Get a jar with a lid. Heck with a nice jar. Use that old cottage cheese container that’s in your bottom drawer.



Buy a 99 cent pack of gummy bears. (This is a crucial step. Gummy worms will not work. They must be bears.)



Empty bears into jar.



Here’s the fun part ;)...



Assign each color of bear the name of a person who has been annoying/irking/angering you or just trying your patience.

{By Guest Contributor: Laura Moriarity}

It was a hot, dusty Southern Oregon morning in 1988. My mom had signed me up to run in the” Mini Marathon” at Sam’s Valley Elementary School. There I was, a chubby 4th grader standing on the starting line of some great idea from the mom with the fit kids at a PTA meeting. As I stood there a sense of absolute dread came over me. I panicked. What was I doing? Am I supposed to run up THAT HILL? Then all of a sudden some crazy parent in short-shorts, Asics and a sweatband yelled “GO”! Everyone started sprinting like there were puppies and unicorns on the other side of the hill of death, so stupidly I started sprinting too. After about 2 minutes I thought my lungs were literally on fire and going to explode. To make matters worse (like there is something worse than your lungs exploding) I was certain I was about to puke for the second time ever in public (yes it was that dramatic, and puking in public IS worse than your lungs exploding when you are 9). I was traumatized. The next year I volunteered at the doughnut table and took home the free t-shirt.

This is how mama rolls!

So how did that traumatized 4th grader go from the “Mini Marathon” nightmare to not only choosing to, but spending hours raising money and training for a 26.2 mile real marathon? (By the way, my fantasy of appearing on the cover of Runner’s World Magazine as my hot skinny butt crossed the finish line in record time did not come true- the reality was I ran the last 3 miles with a migraine, I think I was crying when I got there, and my 10 pound heavier butt ran straight for my mom. Oh, and my time was slower than Oprah’s). But here is the thing, outside of childbirth I have never felt more accomplished or AMAZED at what my body could do than I did that day.



I am not sure how I got there really. It would be great to be able to insert some movie montage set to “Eye of the Tiger” here to motivate you all, but really I think I just decided one day that I was too poor for a gym membership, I felt too chubs to work out at one anyway, AND if I was going to puke I would rather do it outside. I knew I was 20 pounds overweight and all of my quick fixes did NOT work. I knew I had to get up off my butt and DO something.



The good news is I have grown to love it. Now instead of viewing running as a horrible lung bursting puke-fest (although it is that sometimes) I see it as affordable therapy. Challenging myself to enter races (no matter if it is a 5K or a full marathon) has transformed the way I think about weight and about my body. I find when I am training for a race I do not obsess over the number on the scale, instead I think about how many miles I was able to run while pushing 60 pounds of stroller, children, stuffed animals, blankies and snacks. I thank God for my body when I cross the finish line. I smile like a crazy person when I am passed by 70 year old ladies during a race because it gives me a crazy sense of hope. I don’t care if I am fast, I don’t care if I win anything, I just LOVE that I can survive it. Experiencing that split moment of absolute amazement at my imperfect but ABLE body is something I need as a women. So with that, just try it. Who knows, you may actually like itJ to help you get going here are my “10 running tips from an unlikely runner”

My 2 year old daughter running the last 1/2 mile with me!

1. {Run for a cause} For my marathon I raised $2,500 for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society through Team In Training www.teamintraining.com. On those days I would have rather died than put on my running shoes I remembered that the people I was running for may never get the opportunity to do what I was doing so suck it up! Many races give the proceeds to foundations or agencies- pick one and put it in perspective!


2. {Brag about it!} post it on Facebook, tell your friends, milk every sore muscle and every ½ mile you possibly can-it helps with accountability!


3. {Download a training program} I like Hal Higdon’s as the schedules are realistic to incorporate in my crazy life. http://www.halhigdon.com


4. {Listen} to your body


5. {Get} a good pair of shoes


6. {Eat}


7. {Do it with and for your kids} Check out the picture of my 2 year old running the last half mile with me...


8. {Get an App} Like Runtastic or the one from Nike to track your calories, distance and progress


9. {Get a running partner} or join a running group (or start your own.)


10. {Sign Up}To really bring this thing full circle you can always sign your kids up for the Mini Marathon  http://kohd.com/news/local/193513

    In keeping with the theme of "get off your butt and get healthy", I feel like I (the food Nazi) need to come clean...Saturday was spent in celebration of my nephews college graduation with family, fun, and of course food. I'm going to get right to the point and start off with the good...salad, fruit, water; now move to the bad...a hamburger, chips, artichoke dip; and now the ugly...lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies and pepsi.  (did I just hear Linz gasp??)  I'm admitting to this for two reasons, 

1) to let you all know that my philosophy is NOT to eat so clean all of the time that you miss out on any good splurges (what is the point!) 

2) to let you know that I felt like CRAP!  

    Our afternoon was filled with chasing kids around, laughing, and lots of volleyball.  Normally when we play volleyball, I'm the last one standing, barely able to see because the sun is gone, begging everyone for one more game.  Not today.  My energy was zapped and I even noticed my attitude was totally bla!

     So here are my deep thoughts for today...If you find yourself often feeling like crap, with no energy, and a bad attitude, you might just want to look at what you are eating.  I promise you it makes a difference!!!  So thats it for my hounding today...(I know, hard to believe!)









-You put whipped cream on your Starbucks triple mocha...and on your vegetables, and your salad and your chicken, and your...

-You eat donuts before your work out because you thing a sugar high will help you run faster

-Your pantry looks you just came home from  a 10 cent top roman sale

-Your neighbors complain about the noise from your homemade cotton candy machine

-You think a farmers market is a place where they sell farms

-The last time you saw a piece of lettuce was when you passed by it in route to the fried chicken at the buffet

-You think "fast" food is actually a food group

-The only "fruit bowl" you have is the one where the fruit is painted on it

-The only fish you eat has "fillet of..." in the name

-You think chips are a health food because you dip them in salsa a guacamole (hey those are vegetables right??)

-Your kids think "fruit roll ups" are actually fruit

-Everything you eat has en expiration date of May 2095

-Your family would starve if you misplaced the can opener

-You pull up to the Taco Bell drive through and order "the usual"

-Your bread is the color of your husbands freshly bleached undershirts 

-You count french fries as your daily vegetable

-Your salad looks more like a piece of lettuce swimming in a pool of white ranch dressing

-Your late night snack closely resembles an all you can eat buffet

-When making your own trail mix, you leave out everything except the M&M's

-Lunch consists of a glass of wine and a snickers bar...(wine and chocolate are healthy...right?)

-You think potato salad, pasta salad and Jello salad are actually salads!

-Aunt Jemima,  The Pillsbury dough boy, Ronald, and Tony the tiger are your best friends

-The largest muscles in your body are in the hand that carries around that 64oz soda

-Your energy level is similar to that of a sloth

-You take the saying "life is short, eat dessert first" literally





Make sure to take a moment and let us hear from you...are you making any changes this month?  Whats going on in your pantry and your fridge?  Need to admit anything..or celebrate something???  Let us know in the comments below.





...and once more begging asking you to make sure you are following us and please share us with your friends.  Thanks lovely ladies!