Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Running on Empty... Merry ummmm... Something... I already forgot what I was about to say!
Yesterday I stayed in my PJ's and scummy bathrobe until noon... I wouldn't have gotten dressed so early, but my hubby texted and said he was coming home for lunch... and I didn't want him to think I hadn't gotten anything done... although the mountain of dirty dishes in the sink and pile of laundry on the couch may have clued him in.
Do you ever just get to that point when you're so worn out all you can do is wander around with a blank look on your face and try not to drool? Hmmm, just me then?? I feel like I should be smoking the Santa crack my kids are on... it's Christmas! I should be giddy and happy and pooping jingle bells or something... shouldn't I?
Tonight I went on a date with my man, (well technically we packed up his office and went out for dessert, but my teeth were brushed and I had a bra on so we'll call it a date:) Anyway, the entire time he was saying, "Open your eyes... we're on a date".... then we got home and I still had to write my post and I had nothin. When I asked him what he thought of my first draft he said (after about 3 minutes of silence), "Welllll, if your goal is to cause controversy and make people angry at you I think it's great." Needless to say I deleted that draft.
Where's this going??? Nowhere, I'm brain dead remember??? I feel empty, and tired and blank and guilty that I feel empty and tired and blank at Christmas.... I just can't snap out of it. I'm not a grinch, I don't hate santa and I love Jesus... so why in the heck can't I get my butt in gear??? I'll tell you why... I'm tired... not just sleepy ... I'm exhausted to the core. I'm tired of unending laundry, I'm tired of cleaning all day just to have someone let the dog in with muddy feet, I'm tired of feeling like what I do all day doesn't really matter, because it just gets undone for me to redo the next day. Honestly, I do love my job... I know that I am blessed to get to stay home with my boys... I am excited to watch our little company grow and I am sooo soo proud of my hubby and how hard he works to provide for our family... but there's nothing in life that's just for me... and I today I realized that my weekly alone time consists of me running to the grocery store on a Saturday morning. I told my husband the other day that even if I had all of the time and money in the world... I have no clue what I would do that was just for me. I asked moms on our facebook page what they do for themselves, just to try to relate to something... but I realized this isn't something that's going to be solved overnight. I do know however, that I have to start taking back some "Mommy Time"even if it's a minute at a time... I HAVE TO!!! It's not selfish, it's not self serving... it's survival... I have to figure out who I am again, apart from being the chief butt wiper and maid (yes, a crappy maid, but still a maid)... maybe I'm alone in this... but if I'm not, somebody give me an Amen... and then let's start taking back "mommy time" together, one minute to ourselves at a time. Merry Christmas to us!
***I've been feeling like this for a while, but actually Delores' post on getting lost in "mommy-land" and a great article on "white space" at mandythompson.com really inspired this ... ***
Facebook Login Labels: exhaustion, family, life, mommy time, motherhood, white space
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7 comments:
L- This is why I love you, you're honest to the core. I've never really been a Christmas person myself or allowed my self to get hyped up in the hoopla but somehow expressing to my friends would come of as anti-Jesus, and I'd get lumped with the people who write "Xmas" instead of "Christmas" (X means Christ by the way but the complainers wouldn't bother to check in the name of ranting and another excuse to tell people that they are going to hell while the people who write "Christmas" aren't, anywaaaay)
It's just me and my son and I THANK GOD for the one Child because as I grow older, I realize ME TIME is NECESSARY to keep my sanity and with all the ME TIME I get now because my son is so involved in his activities, I crave it more and CANNOT wait until he goes off to college. Controversial? Yes. Makes it seem like I'm an uncaring mother? Yes. Selfish? Absolutely!
But if you'd like to interact with me at my best, you're going to HAVE TO GIVE ME my ME TIME, otherwise, I say it lightly but it is true, I won't be able to exist.
You are controversially (from a Christian standpoint) heartwarmingly honest and again, I love that about you!
AMEN!
So... Nick and I don't get dates. We don't have a lot of childcare, we already have to pay for a babysitter every week so I can go to our Bible study. We don't have time. We don't have money. Blah, blah, blah. But... there is something we do almost everyday and it saves us. After the kids are asleep, we sit down on the couch and watch a few shows or movie. We eat snacks, or icecream, or drink weak coffee if I'm exhausted. The coffee amps me up for about two hours, enough time for us to be together. Right now we're watching a Harry Potter marathon... and it is everything to us to get those two hours in every night.
AMEN babe!
I feel like this daily, and I have that voice in my head saying "you're so lucky, you're so blessed" and I'm like "shut up! You didn't just have to take a poo with someone SITTING on your lap!" yeah that's right!
We do have to take it back one second at a time really, I'm planning like 6 different trips in the coming year, because I know that I deserve them, and frankly I'm such a better mom if I get a break, I don't need to be gone 15 days straight like my husband, but I'm taking bi- monthly small trips to keep my sanity. breathe, Smile, Pray....Repeat repeat repeat!
Holy crap you crack me up. Can you send the Santa Crack dealer to my house!
I hope you find your "me time!"
ha, ha, ha. I loved reading that. Did I write that?! :) I am grateful too that I'm able to stay home for the time being with my three boys, but I hear ya about the doing and re-doing. Hang in there and know there are others going through the VERY SAME thing.
Well, you have aptly described "Getting Lost In Mommyland". Now that you feel, see, smell, taste all that it is, you can begin to explore remedies. Work on making, stealing, creating, defining, and prioritizing time for YOU. It is NOT SELFISH... it is CRITICAL that you take care of YOU! Always remember the analogy of the oxygen masks in planes, and the instructions to put it on yourself FIRST so that you can help others. Love you Linz.
So joyed to visit your blog and read this... Just to know that you're saying it out loud and all these women are bringing you encouragement and amens. Praying you find rest and breath and joy in this season!
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