Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, September 2, 2011
{Nice to Meet You} my journey to "extra-momhood"
I’m sure that there are many out there like me. You may be introduced as stepmother, aunt, by your first name, or even just called mom. Regardless of the title, it means that you, like me, married not just a partner but also a family. If so, congratulations!!! Personally, I know that it’s the greatest accomplishment of my life and one that I never anticipated. Growing up I was certain of two things: 1) I was going to have a career and 2) I was not going to have children. Funny how life takes those certainties and upends them for you? Admittedly, I do have a career but I also have two great kids that happened to join my life when I married my personal Prince Charming (which I also didn’t believe in FYI, but what’s a girl to do when she finds one?) This is the story of the start of my journey towards becoming an “extra-mom”.
“Nice to meet you” I remember practicing into the mirror. Trying to smile as I rehearsed sticking out my hand and pumping it up and down in a pretend handshake. I remember scolding myself for the absurdity of that formal of a gesture. I agonized over my tone and cadence - tried variations of my name – “Kate, Katie, crazy person talking to herself in a mirror”. I smiled bigger and then smaller, tested the impact of “Hi” versus “Hello”. Looking back I can say that was probably the low-point of my sanity, but at the time it felt as if it was the most important meeting of my life. You see I’m a big believer in first impressions and I knew that this was a vital one. From all the fuss you might have thought I was meeting a Fortune 500 CEO or the President, but no I was meeting two boys that were only three and a half years old. Yes, my name is Katie and I was terrified of two toddlers! In my defense they were and still are the two most important boys in my world – they are my sons. Technically, they are my stepsons, but legalities aside they are my kids, and I’m sure that they would be very embarrassed to know that I had to rehearse (a lot) before I felt confident enough to meet them for the first time.
I would imagine that in all relationships there are those individuals who are so important to our significant other, whether they be parent, sibling, friend, or even children that we’re all a little nervous about that first meeting.
While I had faced the others with nothing more than a few butterflies in the belly, it was the first introduction to my husband’s two little boys that sent me into a dither. Amazingly, despite the drama I had created in my mind, our initial meeting was pretty anti-climactic. I was met with only a few curious looks and polite nods of the head before being largely ignored in favor of coloring books and building blocks. While I was relieved that they didn’t appear to have been traumatized by my mere existence, nor did I think that my ridiculously stilted introduction would send them into counseling later in life, I also remember being let down that I didn’t suddenly feel a rush of maternal instincts flowing through me. I just felt normal. Of course I liked them -they were adorable. The cherub faces, dimpled grins, Texan twangs and inherent politeness pounded into Southern children that had them calling me “Miss Katie” and “ma’am” even though their little mouths still struggled to form the letters required – seriously, what wasn’t to like? But while I knew that I was in love with their father and how that felt, what was nagging at the back of my brain was the question of...
“do I love them?” If it wasn’t love at first sight, then would I love them eventually? Would I not only love them, but also love them enough? Would I love them like a mother should? Could I be a mother, actually a stepmother? What is a stepmother? How much do I parent? How do you parent????
As a person who can admittedly, complicate the simplest of things, my mind was quickly spinning out of control down paths too diverse and numerous to mention. Fortunately, my husband is an incredibly patient man and amazing father, who rather than mock me (much) he let me panic, rant and rave, and then pulled me back to center by saying “you’ll figure it out”. Simple, logical, and reasonable – it was that phrase that forced me to take hold of my fears and realize that I would figure it out.
The next few years are a bit of a blur, but I do remember tears (both of laughter and frustration) mistakes, adventures, joys as well as some worry. First it was the fear that I wouldn’t love them enough, which was quickly replaced by the more daunting uncertainty of...
The next few years are a bit of a blur, but I do remember tears (both of laughter and frustration) mistakes, adventures, joys as well as some worry. First it was the fear that I wouldn’t love them enough, which was quickly replaced by the more daunting uncertainty of...
“what if they wouldn’t love me?"
This change had come because sometime after that first meeting – over play-dough, temper tantrums, skinned knees, and bedtime stories I had actually fallen in love with my boys. Never having given birth I can’t say how it compares to what I would feel if I had carried them within me. I don’t know how my feelings would have changed if I’d known them as infants. I also don’t know what our relationship would be like if they didn’t also have their biological mother in their life also. My kids are pretty lucky because they have their mom, their dad, and their “Miss Katie”.
No, I wasn’t there for their first word or steps. I didn’t give them a bottle, change their diapers, or pick them up from kindergarten. Arguably, I missed many moments and milestones in those early years. Nevertheless, I think I may have had the chance to experience something special that not everyone else can. I had the chance to meet, come to like, and actually fall in love with my sons and vice versa. I didn’t have to have all of the answers right away, and got to ease into being a parent at a pace much slower than most. While, I still don’t have all of the answers and am definitely tying to “figure it out” I do know that without question – I love them to a level I never thought possible and, as I’m blessed to hear regularly, they love me too. Yes, my boys still call me “Miss Katie” and I hope that they never stop because, to me, there is nothing better than your kids calling for you, no matter what title they may use to do it.
No, I wasn’t there for their first word or steps. I didn’t give them a bottle, change their diapers, or pick them up from kindergarten. Arguably, I missed many moments and milestones in those early years. Nevertheless, I think I may have had the chance to experience something special that not everyone else can. I had the chance to meet, come to like, and actually fall in love with my sons and vice versa. I didn’t have to have all of the answers right away, and got to ease into being a parent at a pace much slower than most. While, I still don’t have all of the answers and am definitely tying to “figure it out” I do know that without question – I love them to a level I never thought possible and, as I’m blessed to hear regularly, they love me too. Yes, my boys still call me “Miss Katie” and I hope that they never stop because, to me, there is nothing better than your kids calling for you, no matter what title they may use to do it.
Katie... is an "extra-mom" of two amazing boys and married to very own her "prince charming". She is definitely one of the smartest mama's we know, she has her PhD in Physiology of Reproduction and is a Research Assistant Professor in the Department of Animal Science at A&M in College Station, Texas. Wowsa, she's one busy lady, and we're so blessed to have her visit today!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I'm too sexy for myself {insert sarcastic tone here}
Last night I looked at myself... I hadn't showered in a couple of days (due to the fact that whenever I get in the shower my kids seriously try to kill each other or I don't know color with permanent marker on my favorite shoes) and I was wearing the same jammies I had been wearing and worked out in the morning before... it was definitely a low point. I turned to my husband and said "Sorry babe, I promise I'll start putting myself together more often I know I totally look like a hot mess." (minus the hot part), I expected him to say his obligatory "No babe you look great." but instead he said, "I know you've had a lot going on today." Waaa???? It was that moment that I decided I needed to stop being quite so comfortable with my sexy self and go brush my teeth.
Here are some red flags that you are in the same "Jammie Day EVERYDAY" rut...
- If on the rare occasion when you get dressed in cut offs and a flip flops your kids ask why you're so dressed up... (this one is for you Kiley:))
- If you have been wearing the same workout clothes for 2+ work out sessions... (even a cute yoga outfit has it's "re-wear" limits.)
- If your husband would rather give you a high five when he gets home from work than a kiss.
- If you come out of your room in the morning (bed head in full force) with your purse in your hands ready to pay bills online and your kids ask where you're going. (uhhhh because they're used to leaving the house with you looking like that!)
- If you get caught in your jammies by the fedex guy almost every time he comes... at 3 pm!
- If at any point your kids or husband ask you f you are actually going to leave the house like that.
(Just a side note: When you see cards like this at the store and they make you say Amen and Hallelujah instead of making you laugh... there is something seriously wrong... I bought this because it's sooo my life...)
OK these are just a few of the lovely things that made me come to realize I need to get my junk together and think of my hubby a little more when it comes to my appearance and personal hygiene... having crazy crack monkeys for kids can no longer be my excuse for being a scrub!
Share your red flags here!! We want to know you're as sad as we are in this department!
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Friday, May 20, 2011
{Mama Needs a Time-Out!}
Shauna... is a stay at home mom of two girls, she's the author of the "Waypoint" book series, and her personal blog"Breathe, Smile, Pray...Repeat." Her girls keep her on her toes, and have been the inspiration for many blog posts, here and on BSPR. She's just an ordinary mom trying to master the most natural job in the world.
I’m writing this a few weeks early (5/5/11) because of a trip I’m taking, and I felt inspired today because I am so stressed out, going so insane and in need of a much needed time out. To the point of wanting to scream and cry and lock myself in my closet…with my children’s Easter baskets.
My days start around 6:30 am with a screaming toddler and end hopefully around midnight if everyone goes to bed and I have gotten chores done and hopefully some writing on my next book… which feeling inspired when I am absolutely drained, annoyed and well, pissed off? Yeah that’s gonna happen! So needless to say I am exhausted, I am cranky, I yell too much, and stand in front of my refrigerator often looking for something…anything to make me feel better. But since I have been watching my sugar intake sadly there is nothing good in my fridge (that would constitute binging on, at least).
Here is my dilemma, I need a break so badly, I want one so badly, I want to sleep in until noon and be awakened by a room service person bringing me a veggie omelet with a bran muffin (wow I am getting so old) I just realized how lame my “dream” is, bran muffin, sheesh! I remember the days before I had kids, Awe College, scheduling classes to start after 10am, sitting at the Starbucks as I leisurely read my assigned work. Staying up late, cleaning and having things stay tidy…oh sorry I got lost for a minute there. Anyhow where was I? Oh yes - I’m desperate for a break!
When the time comes for me to take one though, I feel horribly guilty and frankly - terrified. What if something happens to the kids? What if something happens to Dave and me? What if there is the earth quake that everyone says there is going to be, and I am on another continent enjoying an adult beverage? And now thanks to recent events, what if there is a terrorist on my plane and I go down and become a flight number?
I know these thoughts are irrational, but I also know that my trips are always tainted with my worry. We leave for Cancun in a week, I am beyond excited, especially after a day like today, but I know the night before we leave I will think of every excuse not to go, (I have already checked the cancellation insurance, yeah, it’s pretty specific about injuries and such, so that probably won’t work). But seriously I will be in tears as the flight attendant tells me where the emergency exits are. I will be profiling every single person on the aircraft, (not for if they may be carrying a bomb, but as to how easily I can knock them over and beat them out the emergency exits) and my stomach will be in knots the entire flight, which will in turn make matters worse because I swear to God that I WILL be the person that gets sucked into the airplane toilet and so I’m afraid to use them.
MY POOR HUSBAND.
Here’s the problem, I bitch, I wine, I complain… “I need a break; you get to go to work! You get a break; you get to miss the kids! You get adult time! All I do is dishes and diapers and I vacuum and then YOU walk in with dirty boots!” So he says, “Okay Merry Christmas YOU are getting a break, we’re going to Cancun!” I cry, get excited, start planning ridiculous expeditions, and then as the date approaches I start to freak out again, “We didn’t get our Will done! What if Madi loses her first tooth while we are gone? Will your parents know to save the tooth? What if our plane goes down? What if they get sick, I can’t leave a sick kid and go on vacation. What type of a mother am I that I want a break from my own kids?? Blah blah blah…crying...blah blah…more ridiculous crying, wailing now...blah blah!”
Again, MY POOR HUSBAND.
He can’t win, he tries, but he can’t because I am officially psycho! This man tries so hard, he gets up every morning before everyone else, he tip toes around the house as to not wake the kids, or I, God bless him. Goes to work where he gets yelled at by co-workers or the public, apologizes all day long for stuff that he didn’t do, most days comes home for lunch so I can get five minutes to myself, goes back to work, then somehow gets in his truck comes home to a house of crazy. He then will, a lot of nights, make dinner, play with the kids, get yelled at for not taking his work boots off, do bath time, cut toe nails, read bedtime stories, and then get up five times to tell the kids to go to bed because I am dead on the couch. Then he watches a show or two, falls asleep on the couch, is rudely awakened when it’s time to get in bed, and finally falls asleep, just in time for his alarm to go off again. I seriously don’t know how he does it.
But I’m so glad he does.
I know he needs this trip as much, if not more than I do. I know he has earned it, me - not so much. So, this week I am going to bite my tongue when all my crazy worries fill my brain, I am going to try to take a sedative before the flight so I won’t panic and cry the entire time, and I will force myself to enjoy my time, our time.
Sure I feel selfish taking time away from the kids, but something I do know: it feels so good to miss them! It feels so good to wonder what they are doing, it feels so good to be sitting over a long and relaxing dinner and end up talking about our kids.
It feels good to WANT to be home.
So if you need a break, take one. Don’t feel guilty or afraid, whatever is going to happen…is gonna happen. But if we don’t take care of ourselves and our relationships, they’ll burn out. I know that for Dave and I, our relationship has to be number one, as much as I know I’ll get grief for saying it, the kids sometimes have to come second, because if mama and dada aren’t happy, then no one is happy. Even if it is one night away, just locally, take it, if the opportunity comes - seize it! In the long run, your kids will be happy you did, your kids will be happy you valued yourself and your relationships. It may take years for this to happen, but one day they’ll be thankful that their mother isn’t insane.
I can happily say my children's Easter candy has survived another day, no guarantees for tomorrow though.
PS. If the worst happens while on this trip and I don’t come home, please someone get Madi’s tooth from my in-laws, I just know that thing is gonna finally fall out while I’m gone!
Shauna, is a the author of the Waypoint Book Series as well as mom of two monkeys of her own. You can find Cache Quest Oregon, the first book in her series on Barnes&Noble.com. For more infomation on her book go to www.waypointbookseries.com.
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