"Autism is our forth child" has been our mantra since our third son Crew was born. With two special needs kids we knew the dream of having 4 kids would have to die as we poured our life, love and energy into therapy for Sawyer and Thatcher and learn how to live with three very high maintenance boys. But now that they are getting older and doing phenomenally well... that sneaky little yearning for another baby has popped up and slapped me across the face.



Some of you probably know (because I plastered it all over facebook) that I got pregnant this past September. It was an accident, but I was so incredibly excited. Family and friends who heard the news... not so much. They knew my plate was full, and I think some were even a little frustrated with us for being "irresponsible". I didn't care though, even knowing how miserable my pregnancies are, knowing that bed rest and big blistery grossness could take over my body at any time (seriously that's how bad my pregnancies are) knowing I was prolonging the years of lack of sleep and sure to pack on another 60 pounds (cause that's how I roll) I was still so excited.  I had geared up for the crazy and was ready for another big eyed, chubby poop factory!! I lost the pregnancy in October and while I had to pretend to be fine and relieved (because it really wasn't an ideal situation), I was pretty heartbroken. It wasn't my first miscarriage, and the last one was a lot farther along and about 100 x's more complicated... so I felt like I had to just shrug it off... we'd been though this before, it was no big deal... only it kind of was to me.



Since then I haven't been able to shake the baby bug. I was ooing and ahhing over something cute and baby the other day and Gena said, "Shut-up, I'm going to punch you in the face." I should share Gena is smack dab in the middle of terrible two's with her little guys and has absolutely no desire for another one at this point. AND she's right ... she knows first hand the drama and all out pandemonium that goes on around here!! Anyway, everywhere I turn I see cute baby clothes... or someone is about to pop pregnant and I feel a tinge of jealousy...



A lot of you may be screaming at your computer right now wanting to remind me of past posts talking about the craziness and mayhem of my life and not even being able to go to the bathroom by myself. It's weird, even as I type my kids are going nuts and fighting and hitting... and I still want another one. My mom said she wanted another baby another my older sister got pregnant the first time, I don't know if I can't wait that long for these feelings to go away.

from joyfolie.com

The bottom line is, my husband doesn't even remotely feel the same way... so I'm pretty sure there is no hope of owning these spectacular little girl's boots. (you can stop hyperventilating now mom:) 





I'm just wondering why I feel this way and when these feeling will go away. Am I just being stubborn like usual and want one because no one in the world thinks I should continue to procreate??? Do I just really love little girls clothing and want to play dress up??? Or would a fourth child really complete our little family???



Are you done having kids??? If so how did you know AND if you are done do you ever question your decision... mama needs help.. or there may be a fourth baby picture to add to this set...

The night I met my husband C.J., I knew he was "The One." I was supposed to go buy a plane ticket for Buenos Aires the very next day and had to tell the friend I was moving there with that I couldn't because I had met my husband. Mind you I had barely talked to the man... seriously I think I may have muttered one sentence... but I knew.  So, after stalking him (but still not talking to him) for three months he finally asked me out. We dated for three months before he proposed and we got married three months after that. We were so incredibly in love.



That was 10 years ago... We were married for 5 years before we had kids. We camped and hiked, we volunteered and traveled. One time we drove to Baja on a whim, just because we could. It's weird though because I don't really remember life before kids... it's kind of like a dream that only seems vaguely familiar. Now our idea of crazy is staying awake through an entire episode of Parenthood on Tuesday nights.



C.J. and I have just come through the biggest test of our marriage... kids being diagnosed with autism, changing cities, changing jobs... losing our life savings to the housing crash... a second miscarriage...  I would like to say we've made it through without any cuts or bruises... I would like to say that lovin' feelin' has never wavered... but it wouldn't be the truth. We did make it and our love is solid, there's no doubt about that, it's just been a long time since it's been light and fun and exciting like it used to be. I know we're not alone in this... I know we're not the only couple who has been taken over by life, and chaos and drama and forgotten how to put each other first along the way.



Right before the new year we sat down and decided to map out our marriage with goals and timelines and plans... yes, we are the biggest dorks alive. We knew it was important to decide what we wanted our relationship to look like, instead of continuing to just survive ... letting life dictate the state of things. We started praying together again, we reinstated date night (thanks to my precious mama for watching the monkeys) and agreed to give each other the G-word (no it's not a dirty sex thing, get your mind out of the gutter)... I'm talking about GRACE... which can, consequently, lead to a dirty sex thing because when you spend less time fighting there is a lot more time to do "other" things:) ahahahaha!



I don't know if things will ever be as easy and light hearted as they were when we first got married... and I don't know if I want them to be. We've been though so much, and our love runs so deep. We've seen God do miraculous things and we've been through heart breaking season's together... I think  the best we can do for each other is keep trying, and never give up on making each other a priority... even when the dog pukes on the carpet, and the kids are crying and crawling up my legs... when the phone won't stop ringing and one of the boys has squirted out an entire tube of toothpaste...when we can't even finish a sentence without being interrupted by "excuse me, I just burped three times and it was really funny." We need to let each other know that we are valued and important... I think that's enough for me. Too many marriages end when the light hearted good times end... and even though it's different now, I know what's still to come will only make our love better and richer and stronger.



What does this have to do with Eat. Pray. Love??? I have no clue... I just like the title:) I never saw the movie or read the book...  but I like to eat and a good marriage takes lots of prayer and love right?:)



Today, in the midst of working, wiping butts and doing the dishes I'm going to remember that in the beginning there was just us... I chose him and he chose me... Today I am going to do one thing... even if it's small to let him know that he's my priority... like he used to be.