Some of you may be thinking ... didn't you just write a post about mommy "something" with a picture of you pretending to pick your nose... well yes, yes I did... ish... The last post was about the "MOMMY FUNK" aka "mommy's had enough and she's going to go all Thelma and Louise on you if you don't sit down and stop trying to bludgeon your brother with a golf club". (or is that just how I get my mommy funk on??) Anyway "MOMMY BRAIN" is much different.. and I'm sure you've all experienced it. It's more like the "I can't finish a thought or form words, I just want to go veg in front of real house wives with a bag of cheetos and a drink straight up on the rocks" state of mind.



Just in case you need a list... here are some (but not all) of the red flag indicators that you might be suffering from the all too common "MOMMY BRAIN"

1. You call someone and as soon as they pick up you a) forget who you are calling b) you space why you are calling in the first place or c) both a and b are true.


2. While driving a friend's son home that has lived by you for 6 years you end up almost on the other side of town before you remember that you forgot where you were going... (did you wonder what took us so long yesterday Em?)


3. You call one of your children by every other name including the dog's name before you can remember who you're talking to... for example, "Darn it, Sawyer, Thatcher, Sawyer, Finley... CREW!!! It's not OK to poop on the trampoline!"(again maybe that's just my house??)


4. When it's 2:15 and you wonder why you have so much free time, only to get a call from the bus driver that still has your child because you forgot to meet them at the bus stop. (don't worry Abber's I won't forget Matty today:)


5. You can't find your phone, the remote or monkey #3's pacifier until dinner when you are taking the chicken out of the freezer to thaw... 


6. You commit to, oh I don't know, your local "dancing with the stars" fundraiser even though your only claim to fame is writing about how much poop you have to deal with on a daily basis and your only dance experience comes after several glasses of wine at weddings... aye aye aye... seriously the girls in chile laughed at me for six months because they had never met anyone who actually could move their hips LESS than I could!! 


7. You don't notice that your kids left the slider open until you get home 3 hours later... causing you to have to chase not 1... not 2 ... but t3 large grey squirrels out of your house in one day.        

(Just a side note... I hate squirrels! A friend just told me she heard Sarah Jessica Parker calls them "rats in fancy clothes"... I need that stitched on a pillow! I should explain that squirrel #3 wasn't discovered until 11:30 last night and took us an hour to get out of our bedroom. It was full on Grizwald family pandemonium! At one point it got around a barrier we made out of a close hamper and a dresser drawer and it came straight at me... of course I screamed, almost peed and fell backwards into our tv shelf... I now bare the battle scars of an encounter with a Coker Butte squirrel. I HATE SQUIRRELS! -Rant Complete-)



Ok obviously these red flags might be specific to my days... but if you experience anything like it, you might in fact suffer from the dreaded mommy brain! Share your red flags here... help spread awareness about this scary disease! :):)

      I got to go on a little "vaca" with my kids this last week...I thought about writing a post on how vacations are so not fun for moms, but I don't want you all to think that I am a total loser mom who cant handle the heat.  So instead I came up with this brilliant idea to make this a post that you, yes you, have to participate in.  I know, cool hu?  This idea came when I was thinking about this hilarious magnet (that I wish I would have got for Linz) that said "there is no such thing as fun for the whole family".  I about peed my pants laughing as I thought about the 15 hours that I had spent watching my kids swim in the hotel pool wishing I was doing something else on this vacation.  So the rules today are, I am going to post a few funny things I found, and it is up to you to add your own under the comments.  Put down a "magnet saying", something on your fridge right now, or just something that makes you laugh every time you think about it!  You are only going to get full pleasure out of this though (that sounds kinda nasty) if you take a peak at what everyone else has said...so here we go some things I think we can all relate to!

It's time once again to make you feel better about yourself as mothers! We do our best to corrupt you with our true sometimes icky confessions so you won't feel like you have to pretend to  have it all together. It's just an added perk of following our little blog:) hehe... Today we'd like to introduce the first of what's sure to be a long term series of posts... "You Might Be An Earth Monkey Mom If..." So sit back and bask in the glamorous life that a true Monkey Mom leads!

1. Your sink is not only full of dishes, but also a ball, a toy car and color crayons...


2. You think you brushed your teeth this morning...wait, was that yesterday?


3. You can't remember your name, but your pretty sure it's not , mommy, mommy, MOMMY!!!


4. Every time you reach into a pocket it contains a used snotty tissue.


5. Your idea of exercise is showering with a toddler on your hip.


6. Your favorite extra curricular activity is sleep!


7. Your favorite accessory is a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.


8. You consider going to the grocery store alone better than a day at the spa!


9. The artwork on your wall looks like a 5 year old did it; wait, a 5 year old did do it!


10. You don't remember the color of your fridge, carpet or couch and we don't have to explain why...


11. You have a sign in your entry that reads "I cleaned my house 5 minutes ago; sorry you missed it!"


12. You pick out your outfit for the day from what's laying on the ground beside your bed and you may or may not have had to scrap the kid crusties off before wearing it... 


13. You have to use a spatula to scrape your counters off before you can wipe them down.


14. You've ben wearing the same toenail polish since October and just keeping painting layers over the chips.


15. Not even Mr. Clean Magic Eraser and fingernail polish remover can get the permanent marker of your wall and fridge.


16. You know what a "mommy tuck" is. (See this link if you are skinny and don't know what that means like flippen Gena!)


17. You've ever said, "Ugghh!! Who just pooped on the floor?"


18. You and your kids have had a "pajama day" for two or more days in a row.


19. You've re-worn the same make-up two days in a row... (Don't judge me...)


20. You're car smells like McDonald's French Fries and spoiled milk.


21. You've ever found an older dirty diaper in your purse, trunk or dirty clothes hamper.


22. When you clean your house your family asks "Why?" or "Is someone is coming over?"


23. You're husband has to ask you to "please shave your legs."


24. Your children ask when you are going to be "nice mommy again"


25. And Finally YOU MIGHT BE AN EARTH MONKEY MOM if your child has ever yelled the unsavory word/phrase in public that you said in the car right before you took them into a very busy store... (you'd think I'd learn after 2 or 3 times... noop)

So here is how it works.  Think of your best MOTY moment (please not the one that would make Child Protective Services show up at your doorstep!)  and post it in a comment below.  And don't forget to have your friends join in so we can laugh at them too!  We will pick the winner at the end of the week based on which one makes us pee our pants the most and you will get to pick out a set of your fav. Earth Monkey products!  Cool!

     There is a scene in one of my favorite movies, Christmas Vacation, that makes me cringe every time I see it.  Cousin Eddy arrives at Clarks house with his family in their "tenement on wheels" and as grandpa bends down to give the son a little kiss, Eddy says something to the effect of "you might not want to do that, he's got a little lip fungus that they aint identified yet"...



     I had the joy of experiencing my first zit at the age of 19.  Now those of you that struggled through high school with a face full of them are probably thinking "lucky!!!"  But for me, it has taken 20 years, a truckload of antibiotics, bathtubs of benzoil peroxide,  washes, scrubs, lotions, ointments, homeopathic remedies and special diets, it's finally gone.  Basically I got to experience my 2 weddings, my 2 children's births, beauty school, 2 careers, my 21st., 25th, 30th and 35th birthdays, covered in zits!  Fun...The great part is, they are gone, the bad part is, now I'm fighting the wrinkle battle!  So not fair!!!  At this point in my life, my bathroom cabinet  resembles that of a 65 year old wrinkled, puberty struck, "cousin Eddies son", freckled freak of nature.   I have RetinA for the acne (yes that is what FINALLY got rid of it!), Tri-luma to fade the freckles (sounds much better than "age spots!"), arnica cream for the aching arthritis in my knuckles, and this is the shudder part...an anti-fungal used on jock itch and athletes foot!  There I said it!  I had to use something men used on their johnsons, peepers, man parts, unmentionables, to cure the area just above my lip.  (cringe!) If I ever pictured living a scene in Christmas Vacation, it would be the part with the swimming pool, NOT the lip fungus scenario!   It now takes me longer to get ready for bed than it does to get ready in the morning!  (a point which my husband just LOVES...especially the night guard, sexy!! Riiiiiight)  When each section of your face requires a different "magic potion, it takes a while! The irony is that I am crazy about what our family eats and puts on our skin.  We are basically limited to a bare minimum soap, an organic shampoo and plain coconut oil on our bodies...but when it comes to trying to get my face to resemble that of a human, I'll pretty much resort to whatever chemical is necessary...I admit to peals, micro-dermabrasions, botox (hey don't judge, this stuff takes off 10 years!), and fillers...yep, I have these hollow lines under my eyes, and darn it, I just like it when they are gone.   There, now you all know my secrets!   And one other thing..thank goodness for editing (and Maria Alexandra Photography) because according to a lot of my photos, my face looks as smooth as my little guys butt!"



     Funny what a little vanity does...Ya I'm not afraid to admit to being just a little bit vain...We are bombarded by skinny, plastic looking 16 year olds on tv and magazines selling us "old girls" living in the real world, foundation that makes us look 13.6 years younger, and eye creams that will for sure make us look like we actually have slept for more than 3 hours in a row, and cream to rub on our butts to that will make them look like my 5 year olds!  But the reality?  That type of magic doesn't really exist!  We can fill our drawers with 15 different creams and still scare ourselves when we look in the mirror in the morning!  We will  have lines when we smile, (I'm ok with a lot from that!) furrows when we yell at our kids (not that I ever do that! right...) and no amount of sunscreen with ward off those pesky age spots freckles.  But I guess at the end of the day, It's all good.  I want to do the best I can, (and rid myself of fungus..gag) and the rest is controlled by gravity and time.  So once again, I have no real lesson of the day, just a little funny so you can laugh at me and feel better about yourself!



     I want to know what is in your bathroom drawer...make me feel better now...

and remember to share us with your friends! Us moms need each other!!

LINDSAY…

I never thought being a mom would be a glamorous life…that’s probably why I didn’t even want kids for the first 5 years of my marriage. Now I’m in the thick of it. I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself and “Is that poop or…” is the phrase I most often use throughout the day. (Seriously I’m not kidding, my house is not a “5 second rule” house, with three young boys there always seems to be poop somewhere…mmmm excited to come over for our next play date now aren’t ya:))

I only paint the toes that show on any given day. From a distance it looks like I have a decent pedi going … and I do mean a distance. But if you look up close you would see about 17 layers of gunky, chipped “You don’t know Jacques” OPI nail polish on my toes. My big toe on my left foot is still swollen and throbbing from an unfortunate forking (which is why forks don’t belong on the floor FYI) and the calluses on my heals…well it’s just not proper to talk about them in mixed company.