Yesterday I stayed in my PJ's and scummy bathrobe until noon... I wouldn't have gotten dressed so early, but my hubby texted and said he was coming home for lunch... and I didn't want him to think I hadn't gotten anything done... although the mountain of dirty dishes in the sink and pile of laundry on the couch may have clued him in.



Do you ever just get to that point when you're so worn out all you can do is wander around with a blank look on your face and try not to drool? Hmmm, just me then?? I feel like I should be smoking the Santa crack my kids are on... it's Christmas! I should be giddy and happy and pooping jingle bells or something... shouldn't I?



Tonight I went on a date with my man, (well technically we packed up his office and went out for dessert, but my teeth were brushed and I had a bra on so we'll call it a date:) Anyway, the entire time he was saying, "Open your eyes... we're on a date".... then we got home and I still had to write my post and I had nothin. When I asked him what he thought of my first draft he said (after about 3 minutes of silence), "Welllll, if your goal is to cause controversy and make people angry at you I think it's great." Needless to say I deleted that draft.



Where's this going??? Nowhere, I'm brain dead remember??? I feel empty, and tired and blank and guilty that I feel empty and tired and blank at Christmas.... I just can't snap out of it. I'm not a grinch, I don't hate santa and I love Jesus... so why in the heck can't I get my butt in gear???  I'll tell you why... I'm tired... not just sleepy ... I'm exhausted to the core. I'm tired of unending laundry, I'm tired of cleaning all day just to have someone let the dog in with muddy feet, I'm tired of feeling like what I do all day doesn't really matter, because it just gets undone for me to redo the next day. Honestly, I do love my job... I know that I am blessed to get to stay home with my boys... I am excited to watch our little company grow and I am sooo soo proud of my hubby and how hard he works to provide for our family... but there's nothing in life that's just for me... and I today I realized that my weekly alone time consists of me running to the grocery store on a Saturday morning. I told my husband the other day that even if I had all of the time and money in the world... I have no clue what I would do that was just for me. I asked moms on our facebook page what they do for themselves, just to try to relate to something... but I realized this isn't something that's going to be solved overnight. I do know however, that I have to start taking back some "Mommy Time"even if it's a minute at a time... I HAVE TO!!! It's not selfish, it's not self serving... it's survival... I have to figure out who I am again, apart from being the chief butt wiper and maid (yes, a crappy maid, but still a maid)... maybe I'm alone in this... but if I'm not, somebody give me an Amen... and then let's start taking back "mommy time" together, one minute to ourselves at a time. Merry Christmas to us!



***I've been feeling like this for a while, but actually  Delores' post on getting lost in "mommy-land" and a great article on "white space" at mandythompson.com really inspired this ...  ***