Wednesday, February 16, 2011
{Making Memories}...The good, the bad and the crazy...
Nothing in me wants to write this post... I even put a little note out on our facebook page asking for ideas to write about, just to avoid what has smacked me in the face like a bag of bricks this week. But, as with most things I don't want to do, the gnawing guilt in the pit of my stomach won't allow my conscience to skip over an opportunity to be judged by other mothers something that will no doubt make you feel better about your parenting skills.
This past weekend I was walking into Wal-Mart with my youngest two and almost got stuck in the middle of a brawl. An upset customer walked out ... well, stormed out smashing her cart through the door almost hitting my cart. A woman and her daughter on the other side of me (not even in the angry customers path of rage) started yelling at her for her rude behavior. As the mom blasted the woman for leaving the cart in her way, the 14(ish) year old daughter joined in. I just stood there, mouth open, staring in disbelief... I was appalled that the mom let her daughter talk that way to another adult (rude or not)... Yes, this weekend I was a "judger"... ewe it feels icky being on this end... I think from now on I'll stay on the "being judged" end of things, it feels way less squiggy (don't worry it came back to bite me in the butt)... Anyway, as I was walking through Wal-Mart on my very high horse, thinking about how my kids would be splats on the sidewalk if they acted like that ... I also thought about the ten million other things I do everyday that could and maybe already have negatively affected my children in some way.
I like to think of myself as a semi-good person... sure I swear like a trucker, but I help others and I don't cheat on my taxes... I love God and try to be a good example to my boys... most days at least. I have to be honest though, as I weighed out the good and the bad, these are the questions I asked myself...
Will my boys remember me as a mom who loves them more than anything and sacrificed so much to serve them??? -OR- Will they remember my lack of patience, exhaustion and even sometime bitterness that my life isn't what I planned?
Will they remember parents who were passionately in love, best friends and totally united even in the rough stuff?? -OR- Will too many bouts of bickering and fighting be what they take with them as they grow older.
Will they remember the forts and wrestling and train track building?? -OR- will they remember me sitting at the computer working, getting frustrated and telling them to hold on for one more minute?
Will they feel empowered and confident from having a mom who fights endlessly for their rights?? -OR- Will they remember a grouchy mom who didn't stop often enough just to enjoy who God made them to be (disabilities and all.)
Will they appreciate how hard I work to help provide for our family?? -OR- Will they only remember a work-a-holic who only wanted to feed her ego?
I could go on... but I think you get the picture... my only hope is that they will take most of the good stuff with them... that even in the past few years of suffocating blows to our family I hope they will be able to remember the love that has bound us together...
Tonight when my hubby got home I was in a dark place. I was fed up with the kids fighting... the screaming... the playing one minute and someone hurt and crying the next minute... I was done. He came in and asked what was wrong and I mustered up a very dramatic "It's just been a HARD day" (insert sigh and victim face here.) Then he asked "Yeah but did something specific happen? Why are you so upset??" I was a bit P.O.'d at his response and was about to flip the "crazy mommy" switch when I remembered Wal-Mart... and thought about what kind of mom I want my kids to remember.
I'm not saying the "crazy mommy" switch will never get flipped again... I'm not even saying that tomorrow at dinner time I won't be ready to eat my young. But I am going to try to remember that they are boys... loud, messy, wild boys and I am going to force myself to celebrate the fact that they are at least interacting with each other (a dream for parents of kids with autism.) And I'm going to take the crazy down at least a notch to "only slightly crazy mommy"... baby steps people!!! I live with 4 boys!!!
I'm not saying the "crazy mommy" switch will never get flipped again... I'm not even saying that tomorrow at dinner time I won't be ready to eat my young. But I am going to try to remember that they are boys... loud, messy, wild boys and I am going to force myself to celebrate the fact that they are at least interacting with each other (a dream for parents of kids with autism.) And I'm going to take the crazy down at least a notch to "only slightly crazy mommy"... baby steps people!!! I live with 4 boys!!!
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6 comments:
I have LOTS of days like this and I only have 2 kids!!!! But like you, I try really hard to stop myself and think about what I want my family to remember (or even just when I want them to see me like in the *NOW* moment...) and I try to scale it back a bit. (It's hard though, and I think we're only human if we just get beyond frazzled now and then and blow. Everyone does it. And why do husbands ask for a "specific" thing that set us off? Mine does that, too! Drives me nuts and then makes me feel invalidated when I only have "No, it's just EVERYTHING," as my response...) :) Hang in there, chicka!
Thanks... good to know I'm not alone in this:):)
My man gave me great advice yesterday, "Slow Down". What?!? I didn't even know that was an option?!? I think he can tell I have been bringing crazy back in full effect this week! I needed this post today, I need to re-focus and will probably have to do it again next week..and the next. You are not alone in this, not in the slightest bit...Crazy(slightly) Moms Unite!
I'm only 3 months into this whole "mommy" thing and I already feel those things. Trying to be the best mommy/wife/daughter/sister/friend/teacher I can be is so overwhelming! As I read your post I was thinking of how it was with my mom. Yes she was bitchy at times, yes she ignored me when I wanted her but, I also remember her holding me when I was sick, taking me shopping, teaching me how to bake and so much more. It's good for me to know that my mom wasn't perfect, yet my brother and I turned out pretty good and have a great relationship with her. It sounds to me that you are a well rounded mom and thru your words, are helping other moms realize they are, too. :)
"the playing one minute and someone hurt and crying the next minute"
OMG that is our house every night! It is enough to drive me insane. Like you, with both my kids having ASD, I get really happy when they start playing together (even if it's running through the house jumping off furniture), but in 99% of cases, it ends with my youngest getting hurt somehow, and lately that has been followed by me yelling at my oldest. Not a pretty picture, and of course I feel horrible afterward. I wonder what my kids will remember, too. I hope that in the end, it will be at least 51% good, and that is what they will remember for the most part. I think that the fact that we even think about our parenting is a good sign. It shows how much we care. =)
Thanks for all of your comments... I love seeing how we're all in this together!!
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