Friday, September 2, 2011
{Nice to Meet You} my journey to "extra-momhood"
I’m sure that there are many out there like me. You may be introduced as stepmother, aunt, by your first name, or even just called mom. Regardless of the title, it means that you, like me, married not just a partner but also a family. If so, congratulations!!! Personally, I know that it’s the greatest accomplishment of my life and one that I never anticipated. Growing up I was certain of two things: 1) I was going to have a career and 2) I was not going to have children. Funny how life takes those certainties and upends them for you? Admittedly, I do have a career but I also have two great kids that happened to join my life when I married my personal Prince Charming (which I also didn’t believe in FYI, but what’s a girl to do when she finds one?) This is the story of the start of my journey towards becoming an “extra-mom”.
“Nice to meet you” I remember practicing into the mirror. Trying to smile as I rehearsed sticking out my hand and pumping it up and down in a pretend handshake. I remember scolding myself for the absurdity of that formal of a gesture. I agonized over my tone and cadence - tried variations of my name – “Kate, Katie, crazy person talking to herself in a mirror”. I smiled bigger and then smaller, tested the impact of “Hi” versus “Hello”. Looking back I can say that was probably the low-point of my sanity, but at the time it felt as if it was the most important meeting of my life. You see I’m a big believer in first impressions and I knew that this was a vital one. From all the fuss you might have thought I was meeting a Fortune 500 CEO or the President, but no I was meeting two boys that were only three and a half years old. Yes, my name is Katie and I was terrified of two toddlers! In my defense they were and still are the two most important boys in my world – they are my sons. Technically, they are my stepsons, but legalities aside they are my kids, and I’m sure that they would be very embarrassed to know that I had to rehearse (a lot) before I felt confident enough to meet them for the first time.
I would imagine that in all relationships there are those individuals who are so important to our significant other, whether they be parent, sibling, friend, or even children that we’re all a little nervous about that first meeting.
While I had faced the others with nothing more than a few butterflies in the belly, it was the first introduction to my husband’s two little boys that sent me into a dither. Amazingly, despite the drama I had created in my mind, our initial meeting was pretty anti-climactic. I was met with only a few curious looks and polite nods of the head before being largely ignored in favor of coloring books and building blocks. While I was relieved that they didn’t appear to have been traumatized by my mere existence, nor did I think that my ridiculously stilted introduction would send them into counseling later in life, I also remember being let down that I didn’t suddenly feel a rush of maternal instincts flowing through me. I just felt normal. Of course I liked them -they were adorable. The cherub faces, dimpled grins, Texan twangs and inherent politeness pounded into Southern children that had them calling me “Miss Katie” and “ma’am” even though their little mouths still struggled to form the letters required – seriously, what wasn’t to like? But while I knew that I was in love with their father and how that felt, what was nagging at the back of my brain was the question of...
“do I love them?” If it wasn’t love at first sight, then would I love them eventually? Would I not only love them, but also love them enough? Would I love them like a mother should? Could I be a mother, actually a stepmother? What is a stepmother? How much do I parent? How do you parent????
As a person who can admittedly, complicate the simplest of things, my mind was quickly spinning out of control down paths too diverse and numerous to mention. Fortunately, my husband is an incredibly patient man and amazing father, who rather than mock me (much) he let me panic, rant and rave, and then pulled me back to center by saying “you’ll figure it out”. Simple, logical, and reasonable – it was that phrase that forced me to take hold of my fears and realize that I would figure it out.
The next few years are a bit of a blur, but I do remember tears (both of laughter and frustration) mistakes, adventures, joys as well as some worry. First it was the fear that I wouldn’t love them enough, which was quickly replaced by the more daunting uncertainty of...
The next few years are a bit of a blur, but I do remember tears (both of laughter and frustration) mistakes, adventures, joys as well as some worry. First it was the fear that I wouldn’t love them enough, which was quickly replaced by the more daunting uncertainty of...
“what if they wouldn’t love me?"
This change had come because sometime after that first meeting – over play-dough, temper tantrums, skinned knees, and bedtime stories I had actually fallen in love with my boys. Never having given birth I can’t say how it compares to what I would feel if I had carried them within me. I don’t know how my feelings would have changed if I’d known them as infants. I also don’t know what our relationship would be like if they didn’t also have their biological mother in their life also. My kids are pretty lucky because they have their mom, their dad, and their “Miss Katie”.
No, I wasn’t there for their first word or steps. I didn’t give them a bottle, change their diapers, or pick them up from kindergarten. Arguably, I missed many moments and milestones in those early years. Nevertheless, I think I may have had the chance to experience something special that not everyone else can. I had the chance to meet, come to like, and actually fall in love with my sons and vice versa. I didn’t have to have all of the answers right away, and got to ease into being a parent at a pace much slower than most. While, I still don’t have all of the answers and am definitely tying to “figure it out” I do know that without question – I love them to a level I never thought possible and, as I’m blessed to hear regularly, they love me too. Yes, my boys still call me “Miss Katie” and I hope that they never stop because, to me, there is nothing better than your kids calling for you, no matter what title they may use to do it.
No, I wasn’t there for their first word or steps. I didn’t give them a bottle, change their diapers, or pick them up from kindergarten. Arguably, I missed many moments and milestones in those early years. Nevertheless, I think I may have had the chance to experience something special that not everyone else can. I had the chance to meet, come to like, and actually fall in love with my sons and vice versa. I didn’t have to have all of the answers right away, and got to ease into being a parent at a pace much slower than most. While, I still don’t have all of the answers and am definitely tying to “figure it out” I do know that without question – I love them to a level I never thought possible and, as I’m blessed to hear regularly, they love me too. Yes, my boys still call me “Miss Katie” and I hope that they never stop because, to me, there is nothing better than your kids calling for you, no matter what title they may use to do it.
Katie... is an "extra-mom" of two amazing boys and married to very own her "prince charming". She is definitely one of the smartest mama's we know, she has her PhD in Physiology of Reproduction and is a Research Assistant Professor in the Department of Animal Science at A&M in College Station, Texas. Wowsa, she's one busy lady, and we're so blessed to have her visit today!
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