SO I tried everything I could NOT to write this post today. It’s late and I tried a lot of other topics but nothing would work…I guess because I’m due for a dose of humility. Today there’s no funny pictures or stories…just me and what God has smacked me over the head with this past weekend. 

I’ll be 31 on Thursday, something I’m not real thrilled about, and it just occurred to me that I’m not in love with the person I’ve become. I’ve always worn my emotions on my sleeve…I’m kinda “what you see is what your get” + my body weight in drama and emotion. Since I started blogging a year ago a lot of people have told me they appreciate my honesty and my ability to be transparent. I think those comments have fueled a kind “say like I see it” monster inside of me that is FILTERLESS!!! While it may have been endearing and maybe even a little refreshing in the beginning…it has turned into something ugly and annoying. 

I got called out by two different people, two different times this weekend…two of the people I love most in the world…and who I know love me. They brought it to my attention that not only am I passionately explosive, feeling justified to give my opinion on anything and everything to anyone who will listen…but that I am also soo negative, and bitter. Negative and Bitter…is that who I’ve become in my quest to be real?  In standing up for what I believe and fighting for my children? I tried to think of every excuse…nope no excuses…then I moved to people I could blame…crap, no one to blame but me…I hate that…then I got defensive and YELLED at both people (these were separate “discussions” mind you) anyway when I realized that I was, in fact, the problem I felt sick to my stomach…and I was mortified. 

All I could do was pour out my heart to God and ask for forgiveness…This is the prayer I came home and wrote in my journal:

“Lord this weekend has shown me who I’ve become - bitter, angry and explosive. Forgive me Jesus…I don’t want to become cynical and driven my the anger of injustice. Forgive me Lord. I am embarrassed that I have embarrassed the people I love most in the world…I have said so many awful things about people I feel have wronged me…but they are your children too - please forgive me! My mouth is my biggest enemy! My lack of filter was at one time endearing and real and I’ve turned it into something disgusting. Forgive me Lord. I need your help! I need your wisdom I need your strength Jesus! Help me to be strong and passionate in a way that glorifies you, that spreads your love and peace and grace. I have been such a bad example in this area of my life - I’m so sorry! Forgive my words against (to remain nameless) they were foul and horrible. How can I praise you and claim to live my life for you when I show hatred to anyone! Forgive me! Change Me!”

This may be TMI… but I know my life has been consumed with bitterness and hate… mostly relating to areas surrounding my boys… and thinking I deserve better… wondering why we have been chosen to bear certain burdens… but it’s a trap… and it’s a hard hole to get out of. I am blessed everyday by God’s grace and the gifts that he has given my three amazing boys… but if I don’t make an effort to see the good…it’s so easy to be pulled into darkness, depression, guilt and regret. Life’s too short though… so I’m done… and I am officially retiring the drama queen jersey.