Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Dear Santa...We're not on crack... We're just crazy... Letters from the EMM's
Dear Santa...
I grew up in a home where you were not really celebrated...in fact, I think your gig was up as soon as I noticed that "your" handwriting looked mysteriously like my mothers and somehow you managed to use the same wrapping paper as her. But since I now have two kids of my own, I am hoping to clarify a few things...
First of all, not to be rude, but I still have my doubts about you. What kind of a "real man" would wear red velvet with fur lining??? I'm sorry Sir but I know a lot of men that would not even be caught dead in a red T!!! I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on this one though by assuming that Ms. Clause is so type A that she gives you no choice.
Next, I must address the fact that although I grew up in a home with a real chimney, it ended in a wood stove...and now to make things even worse for your case, my "fire place" hangs on the wall and has gas fed to it through a tiny gold tube. How the heck you gonna get in now my friend??? Oh and not to mention the alarm your going to have to shut off if you do decide to come in the front door, I think you may have a problem here. Along with this, I must address the obvious "politically incorrect" issue as well of your...how should I say it??? massive mid section!!! I'm sorry but if I had to climb down 5,000,000,000,000 chimneys in one night, I think I would back up off of the stuffing if you know what I mean! And speaking of that...
Say for instance, that I live in an apartment building in New York...just me and my dog, and I get to go shopping whenever I want, and no one wakes me up in the morning or puts peanut butter in the electrical outlets..sorry got lost in a dream...oh ya, apt. building, how the heck are you going to get in to my home??? No chimney, No outside door, the window??? I think NOT! You can't do it my friend. Time and logistics are NOT on your side!!
I'm no activist but I have to assume that if in fact you are real, PITA would have a hay day with your actions..."8 tiny reindeer" pulling your massive ?&$ sleigh around the globe??? And again, that fur your a draped in!!! That would just NOT fly with them my friend!
And as for that "list" that you go by...what are you exact standards for making it off the naughty list? (I have a toddler, you can't convince me we start out on the "nice" list) And who decides these standards??? And who monitors ALL of the kids in the world and tells you where they should be placed???
I'm sorry Sir but it is all just too much for me to believe!!! I would like to add just something on the off chance that you really are out there making your list and checking it twice...I have been a good girl and if you could fill my stocking with a spa day for Lindsay and I, that would be marvelous, we really deserve it...and maybe a babysitter, chef, and housekeeper too????
Oh and one more thing, huge beards are really NOT cool! Although I do suppose that storing leftover food crumbs in there would be quite handy for snacking on during that "trip around that world" that you supposedly do!
Thank you...
Gena (but you probably already know that)
Dear Santa...
Please forgive my friend's sarcasm and unbelief... you must have left her a lump of coal when she was very young that she has subconsciously chosen to forget...
I am writing to tell you in a time filled with doubters and grinches... I STILL BELIEVE! Maybe because you brought me presents until I was almost 20... But in the fourth grade when my teacher announced that you weren't real... I knew she had just forgotten that you bring more than gifts. With you comes a spirit of giving and thanksgiving... a feeling of wonder and great imagination.
I'll be honest, there have been times that my faith has wavered. When we had our oldest son I wondered if it was OK for him to believe in you... or if you would compete too much with the little baby in the manger. But we made a decision... we decided that you aren't "Satan, minus the "n"", and we don't believe you steal the spotlight from the reason we celebrate this day. We tell our kids that you brings gifts to show love because you were given the ultimate gift of love when that little baby was born. And each day we live a life of service and gratitude to Him as an example to our kids... while you are only celebrated for one short month a year.
While I do still have issues when my 5 year old says he'll just ask you for the $200 train engine he wants when I tell him it's too expensive. I know that you mean well... I (unlike Gena) appreciate how comfortable you are with your robust body type and applaud you for not caving under society's pressure to be brawny and beautiful!
I do need to confess that in our house my children are fully aware that you ONLY bring small gifts for the stocking... not for moral or spiritual purposes... but because we work our butts off to provide a nice Christmas for our them and I'll be D$#*@^ if you are going to get all of the credit!
All of that to say, thank you for teaching us that giving far out weighs receiving... for helping our children to dream and be creative... and most of all for being such an annoying pain in the butt to my dear friend Gena and all the unbelievers just like her:) Bwahahahahahahaha!!!
In Awe and Wonder... Forever your Friend!
Lindsay
Merry Christmas from the Earth Monkey Moms! Wether you believe in the spirit of St. Nick or Not... we wish you and your family the best and most blessed Christmas ever!!!
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3 comments:
You two are so cute!
Love it!
Lindsay Kay!! How dare you minimize Santa!! Credit should go where credit is due. He got credit for everything non practical when you were growing up and you came through it fairly unscathed!!! I am building a DO NOT MINIMIZE SANTA soapbox NOW . And poor poor Gena, oh you of little faith I don't know whether (note spelling) to pity you or just feel disappointed...I'm putting you both in time out... tsk tsk tsk
PS: Great post! Merry Christmas :o)
xoxoxoxoxox
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