Friday, November 5, 2010
Loving the one you’re with…
It's Friday, that means it's guest contributor time. EMM is so excited to welcome Katie Ristow! She married her college sweetheart, and together they continue in youth ministry. Last year they left her hometown and moved with their two daughters to Southern Oregon to start a young adult ministry at Table Rock Fellowship.The other day my husband and I were arguing, but trying our hardest not to seem like we were, cause, you know, our kids wouldn’t know the difference, right? Well, our four- year old daughter climbed up between us and started telling some random story. She knew we had been arguing, and her little appearance was her attempt at making things right. I think all kids have that response built into them. They know when the peace is broken, they know when things aren’t okay, and they desperately long to get back to that.
Cause mom and dad are their whole world.
There are all sorts of things that I don’t want to pass onto my kids, like my fear or anxiety. And there are tons of things I DO want to pass onto them, like a love for the Lord, a balanced pursuit of their passions, and desire to minister to other people. But I think one of the best things I can do for them, is to love their daddy.
My husband and I fight FOR our marriage. We’ve been criticized for being overly affectionate, or too mushy, or blah blah blah. Turns out we have the same love language though, which is mushiness, and so it works fine for us. I’ve been criticized for the way I have built my home by other moms and singles. But, I am passionate about my home, my kids, and my marriage. And I guard those things with everything in me. I am careful about my time with my husband and making sure that HE is the person and MAN that I spend most of my time with. Because all of those things affect my home, my marriage, my kids. Every little thing. For the good or the bad.
To be honest, I mess up so much that I could definitely benefit from a giant can of whiteout. But, I’m trying to make our home a haven for my kids and my man. And I’ve found that in our home, what affects things the most, is the way my husband and I treat each other. If we’re arguing, the kids behave in a like manner. They’re behavior almost seems to demand our attention, I think, to get us to stop arguing.
We’ve all heard the saying, “If mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy.” But when it comes to mom and dad, if they’re not at peace, then nobody’s at peace. And so, even though I can follow the trail of dirty socks and shorts to where he is, and even though my one- year- old loves to wash her hands in the glass or food dish he left out the night before, I’m not going to criticize him. I’m going to focus on how grateful I am to have a man to clean up after, a man that loves the Lord, that loves me, and loves his kids. I’m going to forgive him for his forgetfulness that sometimes hurts my feelings, and am going to thank him for his faithfulness. I am going to get over myself, and open my eyes to what I have in him. Literally, my prince charming, only with a beard. And… the next time I argue with him, I’m going to do it in privacy where it won’t disrupt my little ones’ world. I’m going let them see us make up (appropriately, of course. Saving the inappropriate for the bedroom). And I’m going to encourage him.
It doesn’t just help he and I, but it helps our daughters. It rights their world. It shows them that mommy and daddy are okay, and if we are okay, then everything else is going to be okay too. It shows them what real forgiveness and love and faithfulness and right relationships look like.
For whatever reason, some of you are doing this parenting thing alone. Even though you’re in a much harder place, we’re all doing the same thing. We’ve all just got to be careful. Careful about whom we bring into our home, about how we speak about our kids’ father, and about how we set the mood of our home. God will be faithful even when others are not.
You’ll be amazed at how having a peaceful home, and, if you’re married, how a good marriage will affect your kids’ lives, from the way they behave at school, to the way they sleep at night. It’s a wonderful thing to walk through my home at night (which I do a lot because I’m a light sleeper), and to feel peace. To see your kids sleeping in peace, to lie down beside your husband in peace, and to rest even in the darkness because all is how it should be.
I learned a whole life’s worth of lessons sitting by my mom’s deathbed this year. Her cancer was swift moving, taking something from her with every passing breath, reducing her from a healthy, vibrant woman to nothing in a matter of five months. The last conversation she had with any of us was one beautiful morning in May of 2010 when she awoke coherent and lucid. My father rushed me, my 12 year old sister, and my 15 year old sister into the bedroom. We sat on the bed and she spoke to each of us, taking our hands and imparting a final blessing. For my youngest sister, it was an attempt at a sex talk that had something to do with mating bees. But for my father, it was the most surreal thing I have ever heard. My parents didn’t have a bad marriage, but it wasn’t a fairy tale either. And so, on this last good morning, she turned to him slowly, her eyes so full of heartache and tears that I can still remember exactly what they looked like, and she said, “You weren’t the easiest man to be married to. But you are a good man, and I don’t want to leave you.” And as sobs racked her body, they embraced and she cried again, “I don't want to leave you.”
It’s all about perspective. It’s about looking beyond the piles of laundry, the unpaid bills, the noise, and the sleepless nights and remembering that none of that really matters in the scope of eternity. What matters are our relationships. What matters is what we’re passing on to our kids. What matters is that we love the man we are with, with a love that is deep, true, passionate, forgiving, enduring, patient, kind, faithful and both inward and outward. And if the man you’re with is not lovable, you can still demonstrate forgiveness, endurance, patience, kindness, and faithfulness
For from our example is how our babies will learn to love.
Check Out Katie's Personal Blog at www.ristowswife.wordpress.com
Check Out Katie's Personal Blog at www.ristowswife.wordpress.com
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4 comments:
Thank you for the reminder to fight and not give in to things that get annoying and difficult! To be deliberate about how I act and speak in front of and to the kids today was a good challenge for me! Tank you! =)
Wonderful and touching reminder of the important "choice" we make to love one another. Sometimes I loose focus and think everything is determined by how I feel (especially right now when I'm prego hormonal), rather then how I should act. Thank you.
Thank you Katie for giving us all a little perspective... how fleeting life can be... how impressionable our kids are... your words have socked me in the gut and convicted me to the core. Thank you... you are wise beyond your years!
lovely lovely katie! I have to say yes, and amen!
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