Thursday, November 4, 2010

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... And So Do Moms Darn It!!



OK, so mornings around here are almost comical they are so hectic and crazy, I have to laugh or I will cry. Usually somewhere between 4:30 and 5 the kids are up jumping on us, prying our eyes open with their chubby little fingers. We try to get them to “snug” with us as long as possible and only roll out of bed after someone’s diaper has exploded, or sibling rivalry has commenced to such a point that someone is about to be shanked with a broken toy.


This morning within minutes of making lunches and breakfast and shooing my husband and older son out the door I heard.. “POOP!” …I wish they were just using slang, but not my oh so literal boys… Crew had ripped off his diaper and pooped and peed across the entire kitchen floor… but hey, at least it was in the kitchen, usually I just head straight for the carpet cleaner when I hear that. To make things even a little crazier, I was working on getting a friend some info on Earth Monkeys for an article she’s writing … my brain was foggy (well, that and I had to get up every 30 seconds to “help” my kids share) anyway,  it had taken forever to get the wording just how I wanted it, when I got up for the seven thousandth time in a 5 minute period, I forgot to hit save and my 2 year old snuck in and unplugged the computer. I had to just keep saying, ” happy place, happy place… go to your happy place… just smile… don’t scream.” I’m sure I looked like a crazed lunatic with an eerie serial killer type smile plastered on my face.
Ahhh… so what’s my point?  I know I’m not alone with the poop, and the shanking, and the crying and the craziness of life. I know I’m not the only one who feels like there is actually not one second of the day that I can have to myself for anything.
I have really been trying to work out daily… my husband goes to the gym and that’s just not possible for me. I tell myself all day, “As soon as _____ is done, then I can work out.” But the truth is, I hate it and end up not doing it at all. So I came up with a solution… (that doesn’t usually happen to me:)) The other night a bunch of us EMM’s went to a halloween party and danced like CRAZY… my legs hurt for two days, it was so much fun.
80s night
  
Yesterday, after my dvd player died so I couldn’t do a Jillian workout (darn:)), and I slammed my own head in the door (don’t ask), I was about to say ffff-orget it, the kids were going nuts and I knew I couldn’t do the elliptical and still have two of them when I was done. So, I just cranked up iTunes, grabbed the kids and my weights and rocked it for 25 minutes. They had a blast, and I was dripping sweat by the end… plus it gave me a chance to work on perfecting my awesome 80’s dance moves…ahahaha.


dance wo
                            
Sooo today I am leaving you with a little gift… play the song, (yes it’s Miyley Cyrus… but I love her and I won’t hide it any longer:)) because Girls just wanna have fun and it’s a GRREEEAAATT song to dance to. Grab some weights or pick up that chubby baby and break it down!! This may be the only chance you get to work out all day!




Paparazzi or police?? The glamorous life of this mom…

    I have to make an admission here…I have a bit of a weakness to those trashy “star” magazines, oh, I won’t buy them (it’s my statement to the paparazzi that I won’t support their stalking) but I do however love that my mother-in-law gives me her hand me downs.  My favorite issues are the ones that feature the ”famous” people shall we say, “not at the top of their game”…I’m not into the butt shots that compare cellulite, that’s just taking it a bit too far, but I do love to see them without makeup, and wearing less than flattering clothing.  I’m sure someone real super smart would say I like it because it makes me feel better about myself or something deep like that, and to that I say “duh!!”
     I went out for a chaotic, I mean sweet stroll with my babies, when I realized that if the paparazzi (what a dumb name) were hiding in the bushes trying to snap a picture of me (do I have to be famous first? Anyway…) they would be having a hay day!!!  Starting from the ground up, I looked something like this…close your eyes and go with me….k never mind, open them so you can read on…
I was wearing my ugg boots.  I must say that after 3 years of lusting after these babies I am pretty excited to be sporting them finally, so that part is pretty cool…Lets skip to my neck, or at least the nice grey scarf I had draped around it, again pretty cool.  But from here it all goes down hill.  My sweats fit ok besides being a bit too short for my boots and leaving about 2” of pasty white skin peaking out. My sweatshirt is an old red hoodie, and I wont even begin to talk about what is stuck on the front!  You know what your clothes look like at 5:00 after being with your kids all day, get the picture???  Anyway, moving up to the face, I’m embarrassed to say that at this point, you can no longer tell that I lovingly spent an entire 30 seconds putting on mascara at 8 am while, unbeknownst (I googled that) to me, my 2 year old had climbed onto the guinea pig cage that sits on the counter, and was pulling stuff out of the cabinets…end to makeup time.  My crowning glory can only be described as that of a 68-year-old tired teacher (sorry if this describes you).  It was twisted up on the top of my head held in place by a “claw clip”.  Just a side note… as a hairstylist (cringe) I gave a class one time to a bunch of women, and part of what I talked about was to never use these clips, how to use bobby pins instead!  Oh how times have changed!  I did, half way through our walk, take my hair down after a few neighbors who were coming home from work looked at me with suspicious glances…pretty sure they thought I was a “roamer” in the neighborhood…Thought I should save the police a trip…
                                                                                       
     So at this point your probably expecting some deep insight on how I’ve changed on the inside, and how motherhood makes me a better person…bla bla bla…But actually today is just a simple look into how I am so not fancy, cool or glamorous and I guess that’s ok.  As long as I have a two-year-old eating dog food while I primp and a five year old wanting to wear the same makeup I am trying to put on, I guess I’ll just stay simple, as long as my teeth are brushed before my hunky man gets home, right?

Do as I say, Not as I did...

I am the official EMG, aka: Earth Monkey’s Gma.  I’ve earned this title more by default than performance. I am a 55 year old mother of 5 and gramma to 9  and my greatest achievements are my kids.  We are a blended family kind of like the Brady Bunch… if you can picture the Bradys with knives. While I am far too quick with the unsolicited advice, I’m a fairly good example of “Do as I say, not as I did.”


I acquired a pregnant Mediterranean Burro recently.  The only information that came with her was: ” I have no idea when she’s due…” I was so excited to be bringing her home I couldn’t sleep.  Seriously, I could not sleep.  I was in the process of building a chicken house and Mama donkey, as we resorted to calling her, upset the whole process.  I was sure she was going to pop any minute and I vowed to not leave her side. I actually got my friend to “sit” with her when I  attended a baby shower.  By day 3 I was ‘over it.’  I wanted my life back.  I whined, I complained. It made me remember back, way way back, to my own pregnancies.  I remember looking at the “sell by” dates on milk and smoked turkey thinking: “By the time this is rotten, my baby will be here!” Okay so it isn’t a flowery analogy, I’m a little off the beaten path so to speak, but you get my drift.
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 When we learn we are pregnant, the world shifts.  Everything is based around the due date.  We read, learn, breathe everything baby.  And when they arrive all the research in the world cannot ready us for what I like to call; the dark side.  Ones physical body is wracked with exhaustion.  I personally never knew boobs could get so huge and not self-combust.  Pictures of the nursing mother always seemed so Madonna like, yet I wanted to swear like a sailor when my precious angel would, for lack of a better word, “LATCH ON.”  The sleepless nights slur into weeks, 6 weeks to be exact and that doctor we knew and loved gives  the go ahead for sex again.“Are you kidding?”


Life as we knew it tries to resume a level of normalcy but a lot of the time our ducks refuse to line up.  I’ve heard plenty of pregnant women recite: “Oh this baby is not going to change our lifestyle!”
I’ve learned to bite my tongue until it bleeds while silently thinking, “Let me know how that works for you.”  It’s interesting to read the Facebook status of new moms.  First the build up to birth, then the announcement of the birth, and sorry but I like the pun; the AFTER birth. With this last part comes the complaining about everything from exhaustion to the non invested husband/daddy.


I think sometimes we lose sight of the big picture.  It’s like focussing on the wedding and the honeymoon and forgetting that we vowed a lifetime in this relationship.  When we bring these little people into the world we are committing to raising  responsible adults who will one day be an integral part of his or her community.  Rather than fitting them in to our lives we have to reinvent ourselves to create our family environment.  I hear statements referring to life before kids as “Back when I had a life.” It kind of breaks my heart.


 I read a great book years ago called Calm My Anxious Heart- a woman’s guide to finding contentment (by Linda Dillow).  It quoted from the diary of a woman who had been a missionary in Africa for many years.  She listed 5 points as her prescription for contentment.  It is my hope to live long enough to achieve just the first point:  ”Never allow yourself to complain about anything—not even the weather.”  This from a woman living in primitive conditions in scorching heat.  Some days she would have to bring the thermometer inside because it couldn’t register past 120 degrees without breaking.


 This dirty messy place where we reach the end of our ropes is life. The secret to surviving is to stop trying to live the old life and embrace the snot, poop, puke, endless tears, heart break, disappointment, rage, sticky hugs, slobbery kisses, bed time stories, building forts, and lets not forget that very first unprovoked “Mommy I very love you.” For just one day I challenge you as I challenge myself:  Complain about nothing… not even your husband  :o)


P.S. I don’t have anything fancy like a bracelet to give away like Jamie did last week, but because I am often lovingly referred to as the coffee Nazi, I will send a pound of Good Bean Coffee (AKA HEAVEN!!) to one lucky Earth Monkeys Facebook Friend... remember you have to comment (on facebook) to win!!

Bohemian Jones DIY Jewelry Project...

About Jamie…
Known for one-of-a-kind pieces and her artful use of contrast, Jamie loves taking a classic accessory and changing it just enough to make it unique! This idea is the inspiration behind the Bohemian Jones name: expressing individual flair (Bohemian), while maintaining an appreciation for tradition (Jones)!
Not only is Jamie going to show us how to make an amazing bracelet… she’s giving it away to one lucky EMM reader… To be eligible to win you just have to be an Earth Monkeys “Friend” on Facebook…





Supplies Needed…
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3ft – Leather or Faux Cord, Button (with only 2 holes), Beads of your choice
Step 1
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Measure out 3 ft of cord
Step 2
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Fold cord in half
Step 3
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Make a “balloon” knot at the folded end of your cord, the width of your button.
Step 4
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String both pieces of cord with beads
Step 5
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The beading length will vary depending on your wrist measurement. When sizing, be sure to include the space of your button.
Step 6
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Make another “balloon” knot at the end of your bead work
Step 7 
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Thread your button onto one side of the cord
Step 8
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Bringing both pieces of cord back together, make another “balloon” knot to secure the button in place
Step 9
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Make a regular knot to finish off the bracelet
Step 10
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Trim off the excess cord, leaving just a little for look
Finished Product!
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These make great bracelets for men and women, and kids love stringing their own designs! Enjoy and let us know what you think on Earth Monkeys’ Facebook page today… who knows, your comment could win you this bracelet:)
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Check Out Bohemian Jones’ on Facebook… or www.bohemianjones.com
You can also find Bohemian Jones in Etsy
OR E-Mail Jamie directly for more information about her line at jamie@bohemianjones.com

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Single Dad Laughing: Pulchritude Poetry Contest





EARTH MONKEYS WON FIRST PLACE... WOO HOO!
Here’s our prize winning submission using the word PULCHRITUDE (physical beauty) in a poem… 
I think it captures the essence of who we really are as women…. 
The Life of an Earth Monkey Mom…


Boogers, snot and poop sound droll,
but wiping butts all day is how we roll.


No time to primp, shave or shower,
because the baby’s been screaming for a FREEKING HOUR!


Sneezed on, puked on so much strife,
man we lead a glamourous life.


Our men come home from working all day,
and carefully craft their words to say:
“You are a stunning picture of pulchritude“ 
And OUR reply….
“Ahhaahahahahaha… yeah right babe… it’s gonna take more than that to get me in the “Mood”.”


5 things I never thought I’d end up sharing when I became a mom…

Making the decision to become parents was the most amazing decision of our lives. We thought of all of  joy, laughter, cuddles and completeness that kids would bring to our lives… and they have!! But there were some things I wasn’t prepared to share… things that as a young, carefree 25 year old, I took for granted… 

#1… MY TOOTHBRUSH…
This is a daily sight in my bathroom… the kid has 15 toothbrushes but prefers to chew on mine and then leaves it hidden in different places around the house when he’s done. I hunt for it forever when I finally get around to having 2 seconds to brush my teeth and find it in places like between the couch cushions… or in the dog’s bowl… 
#2 MY UNDERWEAR…
You would be surprised what fun things little boys can think to do with underwear… they can be bugs, super heroes or even a chef on occasion (white underwear make great chefs hats.) I used to steal my moms good Victoria Secrets bras all of the time in high school… somehow, as the mom of three boys I thought my underwear would remain my own… I guess no ones safe:)
#3 MY BED…
My kids are early risers… so somedays when I can’t muster up the energy to pull my fat butt out of bed at 4:30 am, I just pull them back in bed with me. Unfortunately their “snug time” arrivals just keep getting earlier and earlier. We finally made the decision to get up and put them all back in their beds after a freak accident last weak when Crew peed MY bed while laying on top of ME. It was a bit traumatic as I was walled in by the other two boys (while my husband slept soundly on his side) and I was trapped in a claustrophobic nightmare.
#4 MY PURSE…
Growing up with four siblings and usually and extra kid of some sort, our house was chaos. My dad is a pilot and worked out of town most of the year so my mom had to deal with us on her own most of the time. I remember the one rule set in stone was that my moms purse was her space and off limits to us… we weren’t allowed to dig through it or look around to see what treasures were hidden beneath the trash, loose change and receipts … and that’s how it should have been,  now I understand why… because NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING is your own anymore when you become a mom. To this day I still feel squiggy when I have to grab something out of her purse… like I’m going to get a time out or something… if only I could teach my monkeys the rule… maybe I wouldn’t have to replace debit cards and make up quite so often…maybe:)
#5 MY PERSONAL SPACE…
OK I LOVE… LOVE LOVE LOVE snug time (portrayed in picture above) it’s what keeps me going, it’s like a magic pill that changes me from crazy psycho mommy into fairly nice, semi-sane mommy again… what I do miss is going to the bathroom by myself, getting dressing by myself, having uninterrupted sex, eating dinner without kids crawling up my legs asking for bites even when they’ve just eaten, and my all time favorite making dinner with out a 1 year old screaming and trying to scale my body like he’s conquering Mt Everest by digging his nails into whatever flesh of mine he can find. 
Sometimes I dream about sterile toothbrushes and going pee by myself with the door closed… to be able to finish a meal or even a phone call are things I can only dream about at this stage of life……….. oh what? you thought there was more? You thought I was going to end it with a flowery “they’ll be gone before you know it” … ugh OK, if I have to… I guess it’s not that bad to be peed on, puke on, pooped on and smothered in bed on a daily basis… I guess it’s not that bad to have little people who love and adore me more than anyone else on earth… I guess I can share every part of me and who I am with 3 grubby little monkeys… because these days will be gone before I know it…
Don’t miss our guest contributor this Friday!!! The first post by our official EMG(earth monkey grandma)!! Her series it called, “Do as I say, not as I did”  (which, consequently was her modo while we were growing up:)) I’ve read already read it.. it will make you laugh, it will make you cry… it will rip everything I just wrote to shreds…PLUS one lucky Earth Monkeys Facebook Friend will win a little sumpn sumpn of the coffee variety… We are soo soo excited !!!!

Unsolicited Advice… We all giveth, and now it’s time to taketh away!

Ahhh sweet, unadulterated, unsolicited advice… it’s like veggies and aftershave, too much can gag you. You’d be surprised (or maybe you wouldn’t) how much unsolicited advice/comments/veiled criticism one gets when she announces on facebook that oops she’s pregnant with number 4.  

I have been wanting to write about the ANNOYANCE of unsolicited advice for over a month now…. There are some people, like moms and sisters, that can give advice and it’s appreciated… to a point.AND those same people still love you when you give them “the look” or “the growl” in my case that everything is under control and they need to back off… we even laugh about it in my family. There are other times though that you can’t be so honest about what you’d like to do with a friend’s “well meaning” advice. Now that I have almost certainly scared most of my friends into never giving me advice again, let me just say that it has hit me in the head like a load of bricks that I AM probably the WORST about giving unsolicited advice any day, anytime, anywhere. I was even yelling at the TV last week as I watched Parenthood because I thought the very fictional Braverman’s should have been using different therapy techniques with their autistic son. Yeah, that’s sick, I know. I have a problem… I’m willing to admit it… but mama’s not alone girls and I know some of you have the disease too!!
The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter if it’s because we love the person so much, or we’re passionate about something or we just plain think we know more than anybody else on a given subject… IF SOMEONE WANTS OUR ADVICE - THEY WILL ASK… seriously. I’m not saying never confront or speak into a friend’s life when there are serious issues that could harm them or their family… but I think if we’re honest, a lot of the time we all just think a little too highly of our own opinions and think others should hold them in the same high esteem… and that’s just ugly and annoying:) 
I’m reading this book, Victorious Living by E. Stanley Jones, it was written in 1936 and has some of the most profoundly simple advice for how to live in harmony within our own personal communities. Here’s a few things that socked me in the guts:
1. We should be on our guard that we do not thus become petty, always looking for something to correct. (hey it was written in 1936 people… that’s how they talked back then:))
2. Be willing to give way in small things that do not involve principles(Meaning stop being a flippen control freak and be willing to not be “right” once in a while)
3. Refuse to look for slights and offenses. (OK kind of in the same ball park as number one… but I guess it’s important enough to allow a little redundancy)
I feel like it’s time for me to pull up my big girl undies and shut my big girl mouth. It’s time for me to listen to my husband and family and friends… really listen to them and not feel like I have to solve their life when mine is a crazy chaotic mess. It’s time for me to stop being so critical and thinking I know more than you… because it’s wrong and I don’t. Just think of how much less we will all annoy each other if we all just stop… are you with me?  Can I get an AMEN??? or are you all going to “unfriend” me now??:):) I guess I’ll know shortly. ahahahaha. 
What is the most annoying unsolicited advice you’ve ever gotten or given? (if you’re brave enough:))